Ashamed

I want to see a therapist, but I feel too disgusting and pathetic to ask.
I mean, I know I'm a waste of money and oxygen and gas money and such, I already feel bad enough about driving my car and not having a job, but half of my problem is I won't go out and get a job because I know something is wrong with me and I don't function well in a public setting. Heck, I have this constant feeling of fear and anxiety everywhere I go, no matter what I'm doing. I can't connect with people, I either feel too young and insignificant around them, or too old or mature to connect with them. Most days my emotions fly from one extreme to another, and I've thought about killing myself for over six years now. I have cut, and I can say that every time I look at myself and know I've sunk that low over points in my life makes me want to rid the earth of myself just on principle. I am a disgusting bag of flesh, and as much as people have tried to change my perspective over the years, the fact remains the same. I will never be happy with my body, my personality, or any aspect of myself. I am a thoroughly disgusting creature, and would enjoy almost nothing more than to kill myself so as to not be an inconvenience and a waste of resources. The only thing I'd like more than to be gone? To feel like and look like I actually have a purpose.
So many people have tried to tell me differently, to change my perspective, and make me see 'the light', and sure, it's a temporary patch, and sometimes I feel good about myself, but I always return to this spot. Because in the end, other people's opinions don't matter. Other people aren't here with me while I'm holding the razor, finding inconspicuous spots to punish myself for breathing. They aren't here to tell me I'm being selfish and horrible and I need to stop being an idiot. No, they're far away, trying to give me encouragement to feel better about myself. I don't want to feel better about myself. I want to know I'm trash, and I want to be punished for it, and only then can I get better. Because only once someone realizes how useless I am and makes me pay for it, will I truly be able to improve. Because it's just not enough when I hurt myself.