I face this question all too often. Who am I this week? Who should I be, for who? What person do I need to be for the people in my life? Who do I have to keep happy?
I hate that. I can't just be me. I'm not really sure who me is, but I know that me isn't the person I am now. I know me is the person who hates freely, likes solitude sometimes but then a warm pile of pillows and a back rub at others. I know me likes food. I know me likes shorter hair, but dreams of long, silky hair that trails down to my knees.
Me is a person I don't think I'll ever be, if life has its way. Life says I have to be committed to relationships, but that's so tiresome. I'm sick of all the needy bores who want me to be theirs, and solely theirs. That's not who I am. I want to be with people, but I don't want to be tied down. And I realize that's not a mature view for me to have, but it's true. Maybe it's just because I haven't had a fulfilling relationship. Or I'm with the wrong people. But I'm tired of the needy girlfriends and the immature friends, the people who can't take care of themselves. Why do I have to be the one to do that? I've taken care of myself for eighteen years, and I've taken care of others for only a few less than that. It's reasonable for me to be tired of it. And I enjoy it sometimes, when it isn't an all consuming stresser that takes up my life.
I like it when people take care of me, and I don't have to force them into doing it. That's what I enjoy. I enjoy waking up in the morning and making something to eat for the person I love.
I don't know if I enjoy sex. So far, it hasn't really appealed to me. In fantasies, sometimes. But in real life situations, I just feel cold. And I don't know if that applies to any fetishes I may or may not have as well, but in real life situations I gain no pleasure whatsoever. Kissing to me, feels gross. Only once or twice has it felt anything other than disgusting, and even then the sensation wasn't pleasurable. And I hate that. Why does it have to be so gross? I just want to kiss the people I love. Why does kissing have to be sexual? I like kissing my younger friends, who I call my kids. We've kissed on the mouth before. I didn't find it sexual at all. In fact, besides being worried about the implications, I found it nice. I just want to kiss people when I'm happy so they understand. I don't want things going in me or people touching me weird, it just doesn't appeal to me, and never really has.
I just want to get rid of my sexual relationships. I want to get rid of all the people in my life who ever think they're ever going to get something from me sexually ever. Because no. I don't want the needy people. I don't want the people who see me as a sexual object. I don't want the people who think I'm a cute little toy to play with, or some bad girl with a history in dominance. Because I'm none of those things. I'm a grumpy little genderqueer thing that enjoys taking naps, eating crappy pot pies, snuggling with stuffed animals and swearing like a sailor during scary movies. I like swimming sometimes, even though I hate the hair on my body. I like reading books on sunny mornings. I like falling asleep with someone's arm around my waist. I enjoy looking pretty, and I enjoy looking punk. I love it when people compliment me, even though I'll never let on. I love knowing I'm important to the people I care about. I love the smells of things, and I love being comfortable in someone's home. I love the feel of someone's skin. I love being useful. I love being safe.
Can someone find me? And tell me it's okay to be me? Because I'm tired of everyone making me be someone else.
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