I'm at a draw

I tear up so much of my life for her.
I cut myself because it's my fault she's upset or in pain or scared, and I have to be punished for hurting her.
I want to die because I only ruin and hurt the people I touch, but I can't kill myself because then I'd be hurting her and leaving her alone.
But I want to die. All I do is hurt or use people. I use my family, to help her along or get her what she wants.
I use lovers, so that I never touch her the way she doesn't want to be.
I use friends, for both money to furnish her desires and occasionally as the floodgates to stop my raging torrents of emotion that I sometimes just can't hold back.
And as soon as she wakes up, I'm going to use everything in my power to make her as happy as possible, and make sure that if she's unhappy, a pound of flesh comes off my body. My life ruining has to stop.
Or I will find a way to stop it permanently.