College is cool

I really enjoy college.
I don't really enjoy my family though, any of them, not even the extended kind. I thought about cutting tonight, but that's too drastic for being just a little upset. I didn't even tear up while she was scolding me, which is a definite step up. Even when I'm pretty emotional and shit, I kept it cool. The only outward sign of distress might be my closed door, but it doesn't need to be open now that I'm not using the fan. I also cleaned up my bathroom space. Tomorrow I'm going to clean up my room so it looks like I'm ready to leave. If nothing else, having my room tidy if I kill myself is something nice for everyone. 
I'm trying to figure out how I'd kill myself here. Maybe I'd go out, to the old barn that my grandmother likes so much, and find a way to kill myself there. I wish I had a gun. A gun would be the easiest way to do it. All the other ways have so many ways of going wrong that I'd rather not chance it. I feel so bad now, having wasted so much money to go to college and killing myself. I feel obligated to pay everyone I feel responsible to back. But there's no way I can do that. And why should I pay them back if they're ultimately robbing me of my life? That's a good question. Maybe it will help me feel less guilty when the time comes. Maybe.