Ah crap gosh darn it

I'm doing the thing, the thing where I hit on her without trying because gosh darn gee willickers she makes my kokoro go doki doki. And not in a 'I wanna touch her hot damn that chick is sexy' kind of way, more like a 'Oh gosh golly her smile makes my knees weak can we cuddle and have sleepy spooning times now' kind of way.
I'm gonna make her Sherlock wallpaper shoes, when I have the money. I really hope she likes them.
Look at me, getting all giddy and shit. It's kind of ridiculous, seeing as just a few hours ago I was contemplating killing myself for making her cry. I'm such a slimeball. A worthless piece of shit. But maybe if I can squeeze out some good things before I kill myself, she'll forgive me for hurting her.
On another note, I really think I am asexual. The fact that I've never actively wanted to have sex, I've merely been curious about it, and the fact that I'm not able to touch myself kind of cement that thought into place. I honestly don't want to be asexual though. I'm terrified of what that means. It probably means I'll live alone with my sixty cats, if I ever make it that far.
You know what I want the future to look like? I want the future to be her coming home to our house or apartment, and laying down on the sofa, kicking off her shoes. I'll have gotten home a little earlier, and I'll come out and rub her shoulders and back, rub her neck, and listen to what went wrong that day. We'll eat a little dinner, if I feel like cooking, and then she'll go shower while I wait for her to get out. She'll come out, wearing her pjs, towel on her head, and I'll come stand on my tippy toes to smooch her nose, and take the towel off of her hair. I'll smooch her forehead and nuzzle her nose, and hug her super tight. She'll smile at me, and tell me to go take my shower. I'll turn and smile and head for the shower, clothes in hand, and she'll smack my butt. Once I'm done, and she's blow dried her hair, we'll either snuggle on the couch watching some tv show, or go curl up in bed and maybe read or something. And then we'll mutually look at each other, put down whatever we're doing, turn off the bedside lamp, and curl up to sleep. My nose pressed into her spine, my hand resting on her thigh as our breathing forms a sort of rhythm, and we fall asleep.