Uninvited

No one fucking invites you to the party,
because why would they?
You're just another transient piece of trash,
that they're putting their fake smiles on for,
and dropping as soon as you turn away.

You're nothing to them,
and you never will be anything else,
because who are you kidding?
you know they wouldn't give a rats ass about you,
if you weren't there with money,
or food,
or entertainment,
or transportation.

You are NOTHING,
and they know it better than most.
You can't put on makeup to disguise
how you are on the inside,
and why would it matter?
You can't hide how fucking ugly you are,
not even if you put on a trash bag,
and stood in total darkness.

The only difference between you,
and gum on the bottom of someone's shoe,
is that at one point, someone liked that gum,
and no one's ever liked you.

So cry yourself to sleep,
or do whatever worthless things like you do,
and just remember,
when they say they want to hang out with you,
that they want to do something on some weekday,
want to involve you,
they're just lying through their teeth,
because all they want is your car,
or your money,
or your help,
not you,
BECAUSE WHO WOULD EVER WANT YOU?

11/15/15

I wonder if it was ever like this

Was she ever sad she couldn't reciprocate my feelings? Was she ever sad that she knew I liked her, but that she couldn't share in that? Did she ever feel bad bringing them up in front of me, knowing it hurt? Probably not. We all know she isn't really human.
But for better or for worse, I am, and it's killing me. I wanted to have feelings again, and maybe I got them, but in the process I'm hurting people I care about too. I just. Can't be in a relationship with them. They seem to be getting things together, but I have no feelings for them, and I'm upset that I can't reciprocate their feelings. It isn't like before, when I could just fake it long enough until it was convincing. I don't want to hurt them even more, and I don't want to lie about the fact that I might finally have feelings for someone new, after not being able to have feelings for anyone but her. I'm hurting them, using them even though sometimes I don't realize it or want to, and I don't know how to stop, without cutting them off. Which I also don't want to do because I care about them but don't want to hurt them. This just fucking sucks. Why can't something go smoothly for once?