Breath in, (fuck you), breath out (fuck you more)

I hope something goes wrong. I hope you're miserable and everything goes wrong. I don't care anymore if it makes me sound like a bitter asshole. If that's what I am, so be it. You don't deserve happiness, at least not anymore. If you make others suffer, you should be forced to suffer as well.
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I hope you die.

I want to break everything

I've gotten past breathing. I want to be screaming. I am screaming, inside. The anger is getting in my throat; it's only just shy of a roar, and only because I'm barely restraining it.
I'm not going to give her the crefit of my work. Not any more. Not when i havebto go up and down on this emotional rollercoaster with her and then pretend everything is fine the next morning when we wake up. Not all of us get to wake up with a fresh face and a happy soul. Some of us still have to carry the scars of all the emotions we're being forced to feel. They don't just go away because everything is better in la la land now.
I'm not going to make her beautiful when it's my hard work and all she has are genetics. When every time I do something beautiful and capture it, it's her her her, but when I do something beautiful and she captures it, it's all her. No matter what I do, I never win, so I'm not going to give her a leg up in this race.
I'm tired of her getting my credit and my support and my money and leaving me broken and drained and in the dust. It's not fair, and life isn't fair, and I  can't stop running away, but if this is how it is, I'm not going to play nice any more. No one will see me cry. No one. I will not let anyone have that much power over me. I won't let anyone know I'm hurting inside. It's time to go emotionally silent. I don't need friends, I don't need anyone close to me, I just need to keep pushing everything back, handing it off to someone else.
I've got a really excellent coping mechanism, where I like to visualize the characters I've created and pass off whatever emotions I can't show and have them deal with it.
I also have to put on my asshole persona so everyone fucks off. It's one thing to keep the emotions locked up, it's another to keep others from prying. It's easier to keep my emotions inside if no one's looking too close.
The only problem is now I can't enjoy anything any more and I know that will start to kill me inside until I throw one of my pissbaby fits I hate so much. This entire day has been one of those fits and I'm internally so mad at myself.
Well. Time to go pity party where no one can see.