Bitter

That's...that's all she thought I was. Bitter that she was dating Connie.
Did the last three years just not happen for her? Of course they didn't. She always saw things through her own lense, the one where no one else mattered and everything was about her.
I'm not even angry about this. I'm just tired. Tired and disappointed. She really did just play with me, view me as some kind of toy, and then in the end think of me as some scorned fuck boy. I don't think I've ever truly been a person with feelings to her, and if that just doesn't make me want to swallow a bottle full of pills I don't know what ever did.

Getting my thoughts in order

1. Money. If Sydney doesn't get her money in order, I don't even know what I'm going to do. If her big policy is take care of yourself, well, I'll take care of myself, but that just means she has to fucking step up to the plate and pay her own bills and rent and food and gas. I'm not saying I won't pitch in where I should, and maybe even do a little extra some times, but she will owe me $163, if we're not counting the loan I gave her at the beginning of the last semester to buy her books of $100. It might even be more than $163 if she makes me pay her rent too. I can't keep doing this. It's wearing me down to bone and I just feel exhausted all the time. I'm not a miracle worker. I'm not a charity either. I'm a person, and I can't just keep giving away all my money. I've gotten to the point where I don't even eat unless it's a communal meal because I can't afford to eat unless I'm feeding us both.

2. Mel. I'm not her doctor. I'm not her datemate. I'm not her anything. I don't want to be anything to her either. I'm to the point where I don't even want to go to our apartment because she makes it unbearable to be there. She forces me to hug her or let her hold on to me or touch me or lay next to me, and I hate it. I hate it when she touches me. It's even worse when she invades my space. I don't mind when Sydney does it, because she doesn't force me to allow her in to my room. She either comes in or she doesn't. She doesn't guilt me into letting her in. If I didn't already hate Mel, when she forces me to say yes to her or face the consequences of her manipulative behavior, it just makes it so much worse. I can't stand her. I hate almost everything about her, and no amount of sleep changes that. It doesn't matter the situation. I can't stand her, and nothing she does changes that. She's past the point of no return, and that's saying something, because there are few people I've ever had a lasting grudge against. She keeps asking me if I still love her, or all these things, and I've never loved her. I will never love her. I don't even like her. I can hardly tolerate her.

Oh god, I told her. I just practically wrote out the politer version of #1 up there. And sent it. In message form.

Here come the tears

I wish someone had looked at me throughout my life and really, truly thought, "Yeah, this is a person I want to be around until the end of my life." Not, "This is a person who's death would make me feel guilty or bad so I'm going to tell them not to kill themselves so I feel better about myself as a person." Like. Fuck all you people who told me not to kill myself. You don't get to have a say in my life if you don't honestly care.
I hate that I lie so well.
But pissing people off is fun.

Party Ruiner

Literally, these people are here and they don't even like me. And Sydney's just being fucking stupid because I bet fucking Connie's being a fucktard again and threatening shit. I fucking hate everyone. I want to go to bed I want this all to be over I hate everyone.

I'm too good of a person

I'm giving someone advice on how to talk someone out of feeling suicidal. Even though they're the ones who make me want to kill myself all the time. I'm so sick to my stomach right now and I don't want to be here or have to do this why am I such a good person god this makes me want to kill myself. But I'm not that fucking selfish. That's why I haven't. I'm too god damn responsible to force other people to deal with my shit. I'm so tired of people and their damn emotions. Stop making me have to deal with you because you can't deal with yourself. I'm not equipped to handle my depression and everyone else's. I'm just strong enough to deal with my own, barely, and fuck everyone else. And I'm not dealing with mine, I'm ignoring it. If I pretend the emotions aren't there, I can get along and no one cares. Because guess what kiddo, you're fucking lucky enough to have someone who does care, so stop pulling this shit. You took the one person in my life who cared and made them care about you, so suck it up. You got the golden prize, you got more than that, and you're just so damn self-centered that you can't even be happy with that. I don't want you to die, I don't wish that on anyone. But the second you threaten it, say you're going to give up, saying no one cares, pisses me off. I swore I wouldn't hate you, but you're pushing your luck. Fuck up your own life, who cares. But it's not just your life anymore. You're not the only one in it.
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And now Mel's throwing a fit because we told her not to make it worse. She really doesn't understand other people and it's not cute or innocent to try and help when you know someone's in a bad place and they really only want to hear from the person they care about. She's just trying to undermine things once again because she thinks she knows better, and she doesn't. People today are just making my day go from bad to worse. I already have this huge ass scary burn on my hand and a ton of homework and dealing with these people shouldn't be my problem. At least school is cancelled tomorrow. Hallelujah, I thought today was only going to go completely down hill.