What do you want now

I'm tired. Tired of all these people. Tired of being used over and over again just so people like me. I told everyone I wouldn't let them but here we are again. Used and abused all over again, without even the warmth or fun of feeling like it's worth anything. If I wanted this, I would have just stayed Sydney's friend.
I want it to stop, but I don't ever see that happening. I'm so tired all the time, and I can't keep any of this up, without burning myself out.

Uninvited

No one fucking invites you to the party,
because why would they?
You're just another transient piece of trash,
that they're putting their fake smiles on for,
and dropping as soon as you turn away.

You're nothing to them,
and you never will be anything else,
because who are you kidding?
you know they wouldn't give a rats ass about you,
if you weren't there with money,
or food,
or entertainment,
or transportation.

You are NOTHING,
and they know it better than most.
You can't put on makeup to disguise
how you are on the inside,
and why would it matter?
You can't hide how fucking ugly you are,
not even if you put on a trash bag,
and stood in total darkness.

The only difference between you,
and gum on the bottom of someone's shoe,
is that at one point, someone liked that gum,
and no one's ever liked you.

So cry yourself to sleep,
or do whatever worthless things like you do,
and just remember,
when they say they want to hang out with you,
that they want to do something on some weekday,
want to involve you,
they're just lying through their teeth,
because all they want is your car,
or your money,
or your help,
not you,
BECAUSE WHO WOULD EVER WANT YOU?

11/15/15

I wonder if it was ever like this

Was she ever sad she couldn't reciprocate my feelings? Was she ever sad that she knew I liked her, but that she couldn't share in that? Did she ever feel bad bringing them up in front of me, knowing it hurt? Probably not. We all know she isn't really human.
But for better or for worse, I am, and it's killing me. I wanted to have feelings again, and maybe I got them, but in the process I'm hurting people I care about too. I just. Can't be in a relationship with them. They seem to be getting things together, but I have no feelings for them, and I'm upset that I can't reciprocate their feelings. It isn't like before, when I could just fake it long enough until it was convincing. I don't want to hurt them even more, and I don't want to lie about the fact that I might finally have feelings for someone new, after not being able to have feelings for anyone but her. I'm hurting them, using them even though sometimes I don't realize it or want to, and I don't know how to stop, without cutting them off. Which I also don't want to do because I care about them but don't want to hurt them. This just fucking sucks. Why can't something go smoothly for once?

I'm fucking tired of these liars

What the fuck do you have to do to have friends who are actually worth anything? I'm so tired of this. I reinvented myself and treated these new people the right way, and yet they're still treating me like shit. No one fucking cares, not about anyone but themselves. I'm so fucking tired of this trash. I'm tired of having to be a second class citizen because of how someone else treated me. I can't keep reopening myself to the pain and the attacks just to get so little results. And I don't want to slut myself out with money again, because I fucking worked for that shit and no one else deserves it. No one does shit for me, why should I bother with them? I'm tired of human beings. They're worthless. Just give me my money and fuck off.

I have no concept of self

I don't know who I am as a person anymore. All I know is that my sense of excitement and adventure has been broken by my cruel sense of self-preservation. I don't go on adventures by myself. I hardly do anything without M. It's been two weeks and I haven't made any friends. I'm tired all the time. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I just want Sydney to pay me back my money. I'm not sure even the scraps of friendship we might have now are even worth anything, especially since I'm the only one who bothers with anything.
I'm tempted to send her a message but I feel like I should at least wait a little bit. I should really do my laundry.

Dorm Life

I know it's been a really long time since I've had to post here but now I can't post anywhere else.

I moved into a dorm this semester, I'm living with a roommate that I'm not too fond of, I can't eat anything because I don't know how my meal plan works and I'm too anxious to ask questions because if I ask questions I'll have to beat myself to feel better again but I can't do that here while I'm at college. I just want to cry and tell my parents I want to go home but my roommate is always fucking here and I'm not going to be a weak ass little cunt who can't handle being around people. I just. I hate it. I have no friends at college, I'm being a pissy little bitch because I'm hungry, and I'm just so tired of all of this. I wasn't ready to go from community college to this. I hate this. I don't want to have to spend all my time and money on books for classes and I don't want to always have to fucking socialize with this kindergartener of a roommate, and I don't want to have to eat around people or worry about my fucking roommate always needing to talk to me about everything I fucking hate her. I wish I didn't have a roommate I wish I could just cry in peace and fucking pee in peace and eat without restrictions i'm so fucking tired of today i just want to go to bed but it is only seven

This is it

This is the part where we can't go back.
Where I can't cry and ask you to hold me in your arms anymore. Where I can't say, I'm sorry, please, just make it better for a second. Please just make me feel better. Curl up in bed with me and pet my stomach and let me forget. Eat chocolate with me and have a pillow fort and just relax and talk for a while, tell each other things that we thought no one else knew or did.
Except we haven't done these kinds of things for a long time. Even if I told you all of this, it wouldn't change anything. You wouldn't fight for this friendship, and I know why. Because you didn't care.
"Okay fine, do whatever you think is best for you." IF I TOLD YOU WHAT I THOUGHT WAS BEST WAS THAT YOU ACTUALLY FUCKING TRIED TO BE MY FRIEND FOR ONCE, YOU WOULDN'T EVEN DO IT.
I'm crying and I'm a mess and even with it all, I bet you don't even care. You probably regret you wasted so much time in your life on a person like me, and you're right. There's nothing in this life that I need to keep living for, so I'll make it easy for everyone. I'll just kill myself or something.

Breath in, (fuck you), breath out (fuck you more)

I hope something goes wrong. I hope you're miserable and everything goes wrong. I don't care anymore if it makes me sound like a bitter asshole. If that's what I am, so be it. You don't deserve happiness, at least not anymore. If you make others suffer, you should be forced to suffer as well.
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I hope you die.

I want to break everything

I've gotten past breathing. I want to be screaming. I am screaming, inside. The anger is getting in my throat; it's only just shy of a roar, and only because I'm barely restraining it.
I'm not going to give her the crefit of my work. Not any more. Not when i havebto go up and down on this emotional rollercoaster with her and then pretend everything is fine the next morning when we wake up. Not all of us get to wake up with a fresh face and a happy soul. Some of us still have to carry the scars of all the emotions we're being forced to feel. They don't just go away because everything is better in la la land now.
I'm not going to make her beautiful when it's my hard work and all she has are genetics. When every time I do something beautiful and capture it, it's her her her, but when I do something beautiful and she captures it, it's all her. No matter what I do, I never win, so I'm not going to give her a leg up in this race.
I'm tired of her getting my credit and my support and my money and leaving me broken and drained and in the dust. It's not fair, and life isn't fair, and I  can't stop running away, but if this is how it is, I'm not going to play nice any more. No one will see me cry. No one. I will not let anyone have that much power over me. I won't let anyone know I'm hurting inside. It's time to go emotionally silent. I don't need friends, I don't need anyone close to me, I just need to keep pushing everything back, handing it off to someone else.
I've got a really excellent coping mechanism, where I like to visualize the characters I've created and pass off whatever emotions I can't show and have them deal with it.
I also have to put on my asshole persona so everyone fucks off. It's one thing to keep the emotions locked up, it's another to keep others from prying. It's easier to keep my emotions inside if no one's looking too close.
The only problem is now I can't enjoy anything any more and I know that will start to kill me inside until I throw one of my pissbaby fits I hate so much. This entire day has been one of those fits and I'm internally so mad at myself.
Well. Time to go pity party where no one can see.

What a load of crap

"Sorry I'm going to bed." Yeah I'm sorry too that you can't interact with anyone else who isn't Connie for more than .02 seconds without a phone in your hand or a computer screen in front of you. It's like why do I even bother hanging out with you, even when we're doing things together the only thing that matters is that you're talking to Connie. And every moment that you're not talking to Connie, you're worried about not talking to them or about how long it will be until you can talk to them. Like, let's face it. You aren't even a person anymore, unless it's for Connie. The only person you care about is them, and that makes you kind of a shitty person to be around, regardless of who's hanging out with you. Being able to communicate with them has become your life, to the point when I'm pretty sure doing any activity with you that demanded long term focus or commitment would be impossible. You can't go a minute without checking the phone you have, which by the way, isn't yours, it's mine, but you didn't pay for it, like the rest of the electronics of mine that you use. When adults claim that people our age can't do anything without their phones, they're talking about you. And while I get that you guys are fucking dating, it doesn't mean your whole life now revolves around Connie. Even if you weren't an awful person for using me and my money, you wouldn't even be that great of a friend(you never really have been that great of a friend) because you constantly ignore the people around you and instead are on your phone. And even when you're not talking to Connie, you're playing some stupid game or scrolling through something. It's as if nothing actually matters to you and we're all just wasting your time. Like, sorry for being a real person who wants to interact with you and share some time with you. Sorry for trying to be friends with you. It won't happen again, I promise.
Going to bed. Ha. You're just going to get on the computer of mine that you've taken from me and sit there and skype them for hours, don't fucking lie.

Bitter

That's...that's all she thought I was. Bitter that she was dating Connie.
Did the last three years just not happen for her? Of course they didn't. She always saw things through her own lense, the one where no one else mattered and everything was about her.
I'm not even angry about this. I'm just tired. Tired and disappointed. She really did just play with me, view me as some kind of toy, and then in the end think of me as some scorned fuck boy. I don't think I've ever truly been a person with feelings to her, and if that just doesn't make me want to swallow a bottle full of pills I don't know what ever did.

Getting my thoughts in order

1. Money. If Sydney doesn't get her money in order, I don't even know what I'm going to do. If her big policy is take care of yourself, well, I'll take care of myself, but that just means she has to fucking step up to the plate and pay her own bills and rent and food and gas. I'm not saying I won't pitch in where I should, and maybe even do a little extra some times, but she will owe me $163, if we're not counting the loan I gave her at the beginning of the last semester to buy her books of $100. It might even be more than $163 if she makes me pay her rent too. I can't keep doing this. It's wearing me down to bone and I just feel exhausted all the time. I'm not a miracle worker. I'm not a charity either. I'm a person, and I can't just keep giving away all my money. I've gotten to the point where I don't even eat unless it's a communal meal because I can't afford to eat unless I'm feeding us both.

2. Mel. I'm not her doctor. I'm not her datemate. I'm not her anything. I don't want to be anything to her either. I'm to the point where I don't even want to go to our apartment because she makes it unbearable to be there. She forces me to hug her or let her hold on to me or touch me or lay next to me, and I hate it. I hate it when she touches me. It's even worse when she invades my space. I don't mind when Sydney does it, because she doesn't force me to allow her in to my room. She either comes in or she doesn't. She doesn't guilt me into letting her in. If I didn't already hate Mel, when she forces me to say yes to her or face the consequences of her manipulative behavior, it just makes it so much worse. I can't stand her. I hate almost everything about her, and no amount of sleep changes that. It doesn't matter the situation. I can't stand her, and nothing she does changes that. She's past the point of no return, and that's saying something, because there are few people I've ever had a lasting grudge against. She keeps asking me if I still love her, or all these things, and I've never loved her. I will never love her. I don't even like her. I can hardly tolerate her.

Oh god, I told her. I just practically wrote out the politer version of #1 up there. And sent it. In message form.

Here come the tears

I wish someone had looked at me throughout my life and really, truly thought, "Yeah, this is a person I want to be around until the end of my life." Not, "This is a person who's death would make me feel guilty or bad so I'm going to tell them not to kill themselves so I feel better about myself as a person." Like. Fuck all you people who told me not to kill myself. You don't get to have a say in my life if you don't honestly care.
I hate that I lie so well.
But pissing people off is fun.

Party Ruiner

Literally, these people are here and they don't even like me. And Sydney's just being fucking stupid because I bet fucking Connie's being a fucktard again and threatening shit. I fucking hate everyone. I want to go to bed I want this all to be over I hate everyone.

I'm too good of a person

I'm giving someone advice on how to talk someone out of feeling suicidal. Even though they're the ones who make me want to kill myself all the time. I'm so sick to my stomach right now and I don't want to be here or have to do this why am I such a good person god this makes me want to kill myself. But I'm not that fucking selfish. That's why I haven't. I'm too god damn responsible to force other people to deal with my shit. I'm so tired of people and their damn emotions. Stop making me have to deal with you because you can't deal with yourself. I'm not equipped to handle my depression and everyone else's. I'm just strong enough to deal with my own, barely, and fuck everyone else. And I'm not dealing with mine, I'm ignoring it. If I pretend the emotions aren't there, I can get along and no one cares. Because guess what kiddo, you're fucking lucky enough to have someone who does care, so stop pulling this shit. You took the one person in my life who cared and made them care about you, so suck it up. You got the golden prize, you got more than that, and you're just so damn self-centered that you can't even be happy with that. I don't want you to die, I don't wish that on anyone. But the second you threaten it, say you're going to give up, saying no one cares, pisses me off. I swore I wouldn't hate you, but you're pushing your luck. Fuck up your own life, who cares. But it's not just your life anymore. You're not the only one in it.
--
And now Mel's throwing a fit because we told her not to make it worse. She really doesn't understand other people and it's not cute or innocent to try and help when you know someone's in a bad place and they really only want to hear from the person they care about. She's just trying to undermine things once again because she thinks she knows better, and she doesn't. People today are just making my day go from bad to worse. I already have this huge ass scary burn on my hand and a ton of homework and dealing with these people shouldn't be my problem. At least school is cancelled tomorrow. Hallelujah, I thought today was only going to go completely down hill.

Kill me kill me kill me kill me

They're doing cosplays together. Cosplays we had planned to do together. Cosplays I was going to do. They're doing them together.
Please please please please please please kill me please kill me please kill me please kill me.

I'm dissolving into madness

I don't want to feel anymore. If I keep feeling I'll surely kill myself or make myself so sick that I'll never be the same again. There's very little left in me that wants to continue living. I've spent almost more of my life wanting to die than I have wanting to live. I can't figure anything out. I don't know what to do, who to talk to, where to go. Everything's piling up around me and I want to cry and scream and shout but that never fixed anything and so I just continue bottling it up inside of me, and the pressure gets more and more and more and worse and worse and worse until I'm screaming inside, "Help! Someone help! I can't take it anymore, it hurts too much!" but I just keep on silently going about my day, hiding myself away, fleeing at every chance, ignoring every thought and feeling I have until I can't even acknowledge my own thoughts and feelings inside my own head. I have to throw everything to the side just to keep sane, just to keep up the act. I contemplate suicide every waking moment, determined to keep living only by the sense of horrid responsibility that follows me everywhere I go. I can't kill myself, the people at work will be inconvenienced. I can't kill myself, I still have many months of rent to pay. I can't kill myself, I'd just wind up leaving someone with Onion, and I wouldn't want to force another pet on someone. I can't kill myself, I couldn't bear to think about my grandmother being sad. I'd be the worst person in the world, to make my grandmother cry.
It's times like these I wish I could just walk across the house, go in and say "Help me. I'm sad. I want to die." but I can't anymore. I can't do anything anymore. I don't have that privilege anymore. So instead I get to sit in bed and cry as quietly as I can, blow my nose as quietly as possible, and just think to myself. Think about all the things that could have gone right, all the things that I fucked up in this life, and all the things I can't have anymore.
I just want to die. I just want to be loved the way I want to. I want to be in someone's arms, and they can't be hers, and I don't know what to do. I keep telling myself I'm fine, I keep trying to smile, to pretend I'm okay, but it hurts so badly. I can hardly breath when I think about it.
---
Great. Now there are more people in our house. I cancelled my plans today to try and feel better. Now there are so many people in our house and M won't leave me alone. I want to kill her. Every time she gets close to me I want to scream. She keeps trying to touch me, trying to comfort me, and I can't stand her. She's suffocating me, and I hate it. I wish I wasn't here. I wish I was dead.

Throws up multiple times

Wow. So they're coming up. And everyone is so excited. I just want to hang myself. I literally do not want to exist anymore. This entire week has just consisted me wanting to kill myself.

People who just waste time

I hate people who just waste time. They're the bane of my existence. The fact that those people also force me to waste time just to avoid them also drives me up the wall. I don't want to have to take time out of my busy and actually important schedule to fucking avoid you because you can't find something better to do with your life. Like, I'm not going to wait around all day for you to decide you're actually going to put clothes on and do something with your life. You don't have work today? Doesn't mean you should just sit around wasting electricity. If anything, if you haven't worked this week, it means your electricity consumption should be cut in half, and you should be doing chores. Plus, if you didn't contribute to the bills at all, you're automatically disqualified to enjoy anything in the house that requires electricity or water. And probably food, if we're being honest. Gotta pay to play, hon.

Let it be documented

To pay rent this month, I'll have to lend her at least $110. Not including bills, which will be another $60, if not more.
I can't do this anymore. It's killing me.

--

It turned out to be 62.61 is the total she owed me, and let it be remembered.