Do you want an award for being tall?

Jesus christ, they say our generation is privileged and they're wrong, but with bitches like her I can see where the assumption comes from. "Well I've been up since ten" well woop-de-doo, should I pat you on the back for being awake at a late but still semi-normal time? I'm not going to. You still lay in bed until 11:15. That doesn't make you a productive member of society.
I want to be there the day the world finally fucking slaps her in the face and to the ground because everyone realizes she's going to amount to nothing. That's all she's ever amounted to her entire life, and her early math teacher was right. He might have just meant at the time because of her grades, but I bet he saw something there. Saw something no one had yet. That she was a worthless piece of shit who wasn't going to do anything important. Like, seriously. Let's do a tally of her worth right now.

• She's working a job that barely pays
• She's relying on most of her money from her parents or friends
• All of her big electronics or anything have been given to her, she's never bought them
• She hasn't ever actually saved up a large amount of money
• She can barely get through simple college classes
• She spends all her time running a character role play blog. Now that's a real achievement there, guys. Surely going to net her a career that will pay big time, I'm sure. 
• She hasn't even paid a dime towards her own cat's medical expenses. 

Now let's just analyze this. She's twenty one. Before this, she'd spent two years after high school doing  nothing but sitting around, playing video games and roleplaying. Somehow, that still hasn't changed. Now she's just living in an apartment mostly financed by myself and our other roommate, and contributing as little as she did before. I clean. I cook. I do dishes and trash. What does she do? She plays the new Smash game her mother bought her. She's paid the last two months rent with money that wasn't even hers. Money for books she needed for college? $100 of it was mine. The gas that goes into her car? My money. Many of the items furnishing her room? All things bought by other people. I'm getting real sick of her coming across all high and mighty, just because she's capable of waking up at ten fucking a.m..
Because honey, I'm nineteen, and I've been able to wake up before ten my entire fucking life. So please, take yourself down twenty notches because you're nothing but a pathetic leech.

Surrounded but isolated

Ahahahahaha. I just love coming to social gatherings of all the people who are friends with her and tolerate me. I only have to go a few more hours and then I can go home and ignore everyone.
I'm already so done after she showed off her SO. Like, someone told a joke about her coming out of the closet, and she was all jokes on you I did. Like. Fuck her. I wish I had never become friends with her. I wish I had never met her. There are so many things that would be better in my life if I had never met her and made so many decisions based on her.
Ugh. I'm surrounded by so many people that I'm coming to realize I share almost no interests with. Besides the fact that we're all nerds, I have nothing in common with these people anymore.
I just feel completely ostracized among them, and it's probably my fault. I'm the one who ultimately thinks all of their hobbies are useless wastes of time. Roleplaying? Pathetic. Spending hours and hours watching all these shows? Do you ever work? Running cosplay blogs? That's just sad. Get a life. That's how I feel most of the time, which makes it so hard to pretend I care or care to keep up with what they're talking about.
Does this probably just make me a huge dick? Yeah, if I'm being honest. Do I have no friends? Pretty much. It's almost impossible to have friends when your life is controlled by a social parasite.

.

I kind of just want to...go lay down in the park, and not wake up. What if I were to do that? Can I just go outside, lay down, and take a nap? Forever?

It's not new but it still hurts

I hate them. I hate them. I hate them so much. And I can't. They're not the problem, she is. But it just steams me up so bad when I think about them. They were the perfect one. The one she'd throw everything away for. And I get okay for a while, and then the anger rears its ugly head. I can't just keep throwing fits every time my temper gets the best of me. I have to act maturely about this, even though I've made a debauchery of that prior to now. I realize I've acted stupidly. Will I ever admit that to her aloud? Never. She doesn't deserve to know I regret my actions. She doesn't deserve anything, in my opinion. I'd rather she die in some cold pit somewhere, alone and miserable as every awful thing she ever did crushes her very soul. But hey, who cares what I think? No one. No one gives a flying fuck about what I want. Even I don't care, which is why it makes it okay for no one else to care. Who am I kidding, it's not okay. I want to care, I want other people to care, but I don't want anyone to get close. Dealing with other people is so exhausting and I haven't the patience to do it. One person. That's my limit. And I still spend most of my time caring about the person I hate most. It would be easier if my life wasn't so intertwined with hers. If I could just leave. I want to. I can't handle being around her most times. It hurts when she's near me. I'm literally crying right now because I'm thinking about it. And I can't cry, because our roommate is out in the living room. I can't ever cry. They're all waiting, all watching for me to have the final breakdown where I spill all my feelings and everything goes back to normal. It's not going to happen. She hurt me. And it was my fault. I cared too much and it came back to bite me in the ass. I realize that, I understand. It's my fault I can't be happy. I trust all these people, I let them in just enough to hurt me, but not enough to understand me, and then they take what they want and leave me injured and alone.
--
She made me talk to her. And tried to fix things. I don't hate them. I hate her. Sure, things are just fine for her. She's gotten everything she wanted. But where does that leave me? Holding all the baggage with none of the money. I've got nothing to show for these last few years except a long list of fuck-ups, all for her sake. And now if I'm angry, or hurt, or just wanting things to go back the way they were, I'm the bad guy. I'm always the bad guy. I hate this. I hate all of this. I just want this all to end. I want to stop breathing. It's not just this little heartbreak drama. I've thrown away so many years on this shit that I don't know what to do with my life anymore. And while I know suicide isn't the answer, what is? I've defined so much of my life around who I've been these last few years and set myself on this path of perpetuated destruction, and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back and opened my eyes.

I don't even know what to do. Do I feel relieved now that we've talked? No. She made them see me, and while I don't hate them, I do. I hate what they embody. Something I could never have. Something I'll never be. Not to perpetuate the idea of the friendzone, but sometimes, just sometimes, it really does hurt people. It's not like I threw away these last few years trying to get into her pants, but I did throw away a larger part of my life than I would have for just a friend. And that was my fault. Everything is my fault. I just want to die.

Laughs so hard

She got surly and angry with me because I told her I'd eaten already today and I didn't care what she made for dinner because I'm not hungry. And I'm not. I mean, I'm pretty thirsty right now but that's just because I ate something really dry. And I'm laughing because I can just tell she's complaining to someone or doing things that are going to annoy me, because I told her I'd already eaten.
Let's just have a moment to laugh about this. What have you eaten today? A singular microwave meal? I've had a bagel, a bowl of cereal, a cookie, a slice of pie, a little bit of chocolate, multiple cups of water and a fizzy juice, plus a bag of fruit snacks. Really. Who's the one who hasn't eaten today? Get surly with me now, stupid twig bitch.

She ate my noodle soup

It was my soup. I'm so angry. And depressed. Today isn't going at all how I wanted it to. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up but I have to leave for work in a few minutes.
Why does it have to be like this? Why does any of life have to be like this? Why do I have to deal with these shitty people and work this shitty job and seemingly not even get paid for the shitty job? Just. Why.
I just wanted to eat good food and get my laundry done for free and to not have to deal with shitty people in my life. But of course, because I always make bad decisions, the people in my life will always be shitty and that's my fault. It's my fault for picking people who only want to use me for my money and my fault for having shitty mood swings that don't allow me to enjoy anything.

Why do I keep looking?

Why do I keep looking at it all, knowing I'll just get angrier and angrier? On one hand, I keep looking, just to be sure I'm right, but on the other hand I know I'm doing it to make myself angry. Like it's not enough as it is. I thought I was going to strangle her after she kept me up late with her damn skype conversation down the hall. She was the one who had a class this early, not me, and yet she chose to stay up all the way til bloody one a.m. or longer talking to "her bae". Fucking shoot me in the head. I want to throw up on her and then set her on fire. I don't think I've ever been this angry at her when I wasn't at a convention. And she keeps whining about me being mad at her. Let's stop and think. Why might I be mad at her?

• Would it be because she rebuffed my affections multiple times? Oh, I don't know. 
• Maybe because after all these years she decided to be some kind of other sexuality, thus invalidating everything she ever told me as to why she could never be in a relationship with me? Well, that definitely might be a key factor. 
• Might it be because she ranted and raved and mooned over Connie while this entire time making my life hell? Huh. I never would have even thought about that. 
• Would it be that she still acts affectionately even though she's now in a relationship? Nah, that doesn't make the pits of my soul smolder in hatred at all. 
• Ooh, maybe it's because I ordered a really special christmas gift for her this year that IS COMPLETELY WASTED NOW? Awh shucks, never. 
• Because she stays up late skyping this kid when she's never really given me the time of day? Eh. 
• BECAUSE SHE STILL EXPECTS ME TO PAY HER BILLS AND SEW HER COSPLAYS AND SORT OUT HER LIFE FOR HER WHEN SHE'S THE REASON I CAN'T EVEN HAVE A LIFE? NO. I'D NEVER BE MAD AT HER ABOUT THAT. 

 I'm seething. I don't want to even go home tonight. Which is problematic because I need to for my cat. Maybe I can convince them to lock him in the bathroom for tonight or something. Mel might do that for me. You know, these past few weeks, she's been pretty okay. Maybe I'll get a chain and put the ring I got for her and give it to Mel instead. It would work. Then I could get her some shitty christmas present I don't even care about and call it done. Sounds good to me.

I can hear her

I can hear her skypeing them. I want to scream or cry, I can't tell which. I'm done. So done.

.

I hate you I hate you, I hate you, I really hate you, fuck off, I hate you, my life would be so much better without you, I wish you would go die, I wish I had never met you, thinking about you is painful, I wish I had never wasted all these years of my life on you, I gave you so much of myself, and now you're throwing it all away, if I had known it was that easy, I would have just done it, oh wait I did, and you didn't care, you never liked me anyways, an I love you from you is just words, you're fucking trash, please don't ever expect anything from me ever again, why did I ever think i'd be happy with you around, you've always made my life miserable, now I don't even have to worry about the happy glow when you touch me, it's just pure hatred now, there's nothing you can do to fool me again, I'm done, I've grown, I understand how toxic you are, if only I didn't have to live with you, you've done nothing but bring me down, so far down that I've ruined my life for the next few years because of you, I don't know where to go, or where to turn, I don't know how to start fixing this miserable mess-up, at least I know, I finally understand now, that I just need to cut you out, give you up, stop rehashing this pain, because I'm angry, and I have the right to be, and you're at fault, but I don't have to let you control my life anymore.

Something sexual?

SOMETHING SEXUAL YOU FUCKING SAY? YOU TOLD ME YOU'D NEVER BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN STRAIGHT. But then again, that was before Connie came along. Fucking Connie. I'm not even mad at them, because they're an honestly pretty okay person. No. I'm mad at her. She strings me along emotionally for the past three years and all I ever get out of her is "nah, we're just really close friends, because I'm straight." But as soon as Connie shows up to the party and her fucking night vale kick with her stupid kevin shits, she's suddenly "something sexual". Well fuck you. Fine. Connie can pay your bills and deal with your shit and sew all your cosplays for you. I might be your friend, but you used me and you knew it. You knew I had stronger feelings for you and you used them. Yeah, I'd still help out my friends, and do nice things for them, and go pretty far, but maybe falling in love with you and letting you know was the wrong thing. You knew, and you hurt me. You used me. And now, I've got nothing but hatred for you. Oh sure, it'll fade, but that was it. Rory broke my heart. I knew it when I felt it. And there you went. You broke my heart, I cried, and I'll never forgive you.