Do you want an award for being tall?

Jesus christ, they say our generation is privileged and they're wrong, but with bitches like her I can see where the assumption comes from. "Well I've been up since ten" well woop-de-doo, should I pat you on the back for being awake at a late but still semi-normal time? I'm not going to. You still lay in bed until 11:15. That doesn't make you a productive member of society.
I want to be there the day the world finally fucking slaps her in the face and to the ground because everyone realizes she's going to amount to nothing. That's all she's ever amounted to her entire life, and her early math teacher was right. He might have just meant at the time because of her grades, but I bet he saw something there. Saw something no one had yet. That she was a worthless piece of shit who wasn't going to do anything important. Like, seriously. Let's do a tally of her worth right now.

• She's working a job that barely pays
• She's relying on most of her money from her parents or friends
• All of her big electronics or anything have been given to her, she's never bought them
• She hasn't ever actually saved up a large amount of money
• She can barely get through simple college classes
• She spends all her time running a character role play blog. Now that's a real achievement there, guys. Surely going to net her a career that will pay big time, I'm sure. 
• She hasn't even paid a dime towards her own cat's medical expenses. 

Now let's just analyze this. She's twenty one. Before this, she'd spent two years after high school doing  nothing but sitting around, playing video games and roleplaying. Somehow, that still hasn't changed. Now she's just living in an apartment mostly financed by myself and our other roommate, and contributing as little as she did before. I clean. I cook. I do dishes and trash. What does she do? She plays the new Smash game her mother bought her. She's paid the last two months rent with money that wasn't even hers. Money for books she needed for college? $100 of it was mine. The gas that goes into her car? My money. Many of the items furnishing her room? All things bought by other people. I'm getting real sick of her coming across all high and mighty, just because she's capable of waking up at ten fucking a.m..
Because honey, I'm nineteen, and I've been able to wake up before ten my entire fucking life. So please, take yourself down twenty notches because you're nothing but a pathetic leech.

Surrounded but isolated

Ahahahahaha. I just love coming to social gatherings of all the people who are friends with her and tolerate me. I only have to go a few more hours and then I can go home and ignore everyone.
I'm already so done after she showed off her SO. Like, someone told a joke about her coming out of the closet, and she was all jokes on you I did. Like. Fuck her. I wish I had never become friends with her. I wish I had never met her. There are so many things that would be better in my life if I had never met her and made so many decisions based on her.
Ugh. I'm surrounded by so many people that I'm coming to realize I share almost no interests with. Besides the fact that we're all nerds, I have nothing in common with these people anymore.
I just feel completely ostracized among them, and it's probably my fault. I'm the one who ultimately thinks all of their hobbies are useless wastes of time. Roleplaying? Pathetic. Spending hours and hours watching all these shows? Do you ever work? Running cosplay blogs? That's just sad. Get a life. That's how I feel most of the time, which makes it so hard to pretend I care or care to keep up with what they're talking about.
Does this probably just make me a huge dick? Yeah, if I'm being honest. Do I have no friends? Pretty much. It's almost impossible to have friends when your life is controlled by a social parasite.

.

I kind of just want to...go lay down in the park, and not wake up. What if I were to do that? Can I just go outside, lay down, and take a nap? Forever?

It's not new but it still hurts

I hate them. I hate them. I hate them so much. And I can't. They're not the problem, she is. But it just steams me up so bad when I think about them. They were the perfect one. The one she'd throw everything away for. And I get okay for a while, and then the anger rears its ugly head. I can't just keep throwing fits every time my temper gets the best of me. I have to act maturely about this, even though I've made a debauchery of that prior to now. I realize I've acted stupidly. Will I ever admit that to her aloud? Never. She doesn't deserve to know I regret my actions. She doesn't deserve anything, in my opinion. I'd rather she die in some cold pit somewhere, alone and miserable as every awful thing she ever did crushes her very soul. But hey, who cares what I think? No one. No one gives a flying fuck about what I want. Even I don't care, which is why it makes it okay for no one else to care. Who am I kidding, it's not okay. I want to care, I want other people to care, but I don't want anyone to get close. Dealing with other people is so exhausting and I haven't the patience to do it. One person. That's my limit. And I still spend most of my time caring about the person I hate most. It would be easier if my life wasn't so intertwined with hers. If I could just leave. I want to. I can't handle being around her most times. It hurts when she's near me. I'm literally crying right now because I'm thinking about it. And I can't cry, because our roommate is out in the living room. I can't ever cry. They're all waiting, all watching for me to have the final breakdown where I spill all my feelings and everything goes back to normal. It's not going to happen. She hurt me. And it was my fault. I cared too much and it came back to bite me in the ass. I realize that, I understand. It's my fault I can't be happy. I trust all these people, I let them in just enough to hurt me, but not enough to understand me, and then they take what they want and leave me injured and alone.
--
She made me talk to her. And tried to fix things. I don't hate them. I hate her. Sure, things are just fine for her. She's gotten everything she wanted. But where does that leave me? Holding all the baggage with none of the money. I've got nothing to show for these last few years except a long list of fuck-ups, all for her sake. And now if I'm angry, or hurt, or just wanting things to go back the way they were, I'm the bad guy. I'm always the bad guy. I hate this. I hate all of this. I just want this all to end. I want to stop breathing. It's not just this little heartbreak drama. I've thrown away so many years on this shit that I don't know what to do with my life anymore. And while I know suicide isn't the answer, what is? I've defined so much of my life around who I've been these last few years and set myself on this path of perpetuated destruction, and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back and opened my eyes.

I don't even know what to do. Do I feel relieved now that we've talked? No. She made them see me, and while I don't hate them, I do. I hate what they embody. Something I could never have. Something I'll never be. Not to perpetuate the idea of the friendzone, but sometimes, just sometimes, it really does hurt people. It's not like I threw away these last few years trying to get into her pants, but I did throw away a larger part of my life than I would have for just a friend. And that was my fault. Everything is my fault. I just want to die.

Laughs so hard

She got surly and angry with me because I told her I'd eaten already today and I didn't care what she made for dinner because I'm not hungry. And I'm not. I mean, I'm pretty thirsty right now but that's just because I ate something really dry. And I'm laughing because I can just tell she's complaining to someone or doing things that are going to annoy me, because I told her I'd already eaten.
Let's just have a moment to laugh about this. What have you eaten today? A singular microwave meal? I've had a bagel, a bowl of cereal, a cookie, a slice of pie, a little bit of chocolate, multiple cups of water and a fizzy juice, plus a bag of fruit snacks. Really. Who's the one who hasn't eaten today? Get surly with me now, stupid twig bitch.

She ate my noodle soup

It was my soup. I'm so angry. And depressed. Today isn't going at all how I wanted it to. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up but I have to leave for work in a few minutes.
Why does it have to be like this? Why does any of life have to be like this? Why do I have to deal with these shitty people and work this shitty job and seemingly not even get paid for the shitty job? Just. Why.
I just wanted to eat good food and get my laundry done for free and to not have to deal with shitty people in my life. But of course, because I always make bad decisions, the people in my life will always be shitty and that's my fault. It's my fault for picking people who only want to use me for my money and my fault for having shitty mood swings that don't allow me to enjoy anything.

Why do I keep looking?

Why do I keep looking at it all, knowing I'll just get angrier and angrier? On one hand, I keep looking, just to be sure I'm right, but on the other hand I know I'm doing it to make myself angry. Like it's not enough as it is. I thought I was going to strangle her after she kept me up late with her damn skype conversation down the hall. She was the one who had a class this early, not me, and yet she chose to stay up all the way til bloody one a.m. or longer talking to "her bae". Fucking shoot me in the head. I want to throw up on her and then set her on fire. I don't think I've ever been this angry at her when I wasn't at a convention. And she keeps whining about me being mad at her. Let's stop and think. Why might I be mad at her?

• Would it be because she rebuffed my affections multiple times? Oh, I don't know. 
• Maybe because after all these years she decided to be some kind of other sexuality, thus invalidating everything she ever told me as to why she could never be in a relationship with me? Well, that definitely might be a key factor. 
• Might it be because she ranted and raved and mooned over Connie while this entire time making my life hell? Huh. I never would have even thought about that. 
• Would it be that she still acts affectionately even though she's now in a relationship? Nah, that doesn't make the pits of my soul smolder in hatred at all. 
• Ooh, maybe it's because I ordered a really special christmas gift for her this year that IS COMPLETELY WASTED NOW? Awh shucks, never. 
• Because she stays up late skyping this kid when she's never really given me the time of day? Eh. 
• BECAUSE SHE STILL EXPECTS ME TO PAY HER BILLS AND SEW HER COSPLAYS AND SORT OUT HER LIFE FOR HER WHEN SHE'S THE REASON I CAN'T EVEN HAVE A LIFE? NO. I'D NEVER BE MAD AT HER ABOUT THAT. 

 I'm seething. I don't want to even go home tonight. Which is problematic because I need to for my cat. Maybe I can convince them to lock him in the bathroom for tonight or something. Mel might do that for me. You know, these past few weeks, she's been pretty okay. Maybe I'll get a chain and put the ring I got for her and give it to Mel instead. It would work. Then I could get her some shitty christmas present I don't even care about and call it done. Sounds good to me.

I can hear her

I can hear her skypeing them. I want to scream or cry, I can't tell which. I'm done. So done.

.

I hate you I hate you, I hate you, I really hate you, fuck off, I hate you, my life would be so much better without you, I wish you would go die, I wish I had never met you, thinking about you is painful, I wish I had never wasted all these years of my life on you, I gave you so much of myself, and now you're throwing it all away, if I had known it was that easy, I would have just done it, oh wait I did, and you didn't care, you never liked me anyways, an I love you from you is just words, you're fucking trash, please don't ever expect anything from me ever again, why did I ever think i'd be happy with you around, you've always made my life miserable, now I don't even have to worry about the happy glow when you touch me, it's just pure hatred now, there's nothing you can do to fool me again, I'm done, I've grown, I understand how toxic you are, if only I didn't have to live with you, you've done nothing but bring me down, so far down that I've ruined my life for the next few years because of you, I don't know where to go, or where to turn, I don't know how to start fixing this miserable mess-up, at least I know, I finally understand now, that I just need to cut you out, give you up, stop rehashing this pain, because I'm angry, and I have the right to be, and you're at fault, but I don't have to let you control my life anymore.

Something sexual?

SOMETHING SEXUAL YOU FUCKING SAY? YOU TOLD ME YOU'D NEVER BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN STRAIGHT. But then again, that was before Connie came along. Fucking Connie. I'm not even mad at them, because they're an honestly pretty okay person. No. I'm mad at her. She strings me along emotionally for the past three years and all I ever get out of her is "nah, we're just really close friends, because I'm straight." But as soon as Connie shows up to the party and her fucking night vale kick with her stupid kevin shits, she's suddenly "something sexual". Well fuck you. Fine. Connie can pay your bills and deal with your shit and sew all your cosplays for you. I might be your friend, but you used me and you knew it. You knew I had stronger feelings for you and you used them. Yeah, I'd still help out my friends, and do nice things for them, and go pretty far, but maybe falling in love with you and letting you know was the wrong thing. You knew, and you hurt me. You used me. And now, I've got nothing but hatred for you. Oh sure, it'll fade, but that was it. Rory broke my heart. I knew it when I felt it. And there you went. You broke my heart, I cried, and I'll never forgive you.

Money

She only has $47 to her name. How. How. I'm in this apartment because she needed a place to live. I didn't sign up to be her sugar daddy. I barely have enough money as it is. I'm already regretting buying her a semi-expensive Christmas present. Now no one else gets a Christmas present and I rather would have had someone else like my family get presents from me than her. I'm really mad about this. But maybe because I've started this gofundme, I'll have more money because some people might help out a little with money. That might be nice. I'm just freaking out. I have to pay her fucking phone bill as well. Wait. You know what. No. Her phone can just go unpaid until she has money. She can fucking deal with it. It's not like she's the only one around here with expenses. The rest of us are paying for more than she is. And I'm tired of it.

I'm more mad at her than I am the dumb roommate

This is it. I'm so fucking done with her. Her goddamn cat is sick with fucking pneumonia they think and you know why? BECAUSE SHE NEVER GIVES HER GODDAMN CAT THE VAPOR RUB ON ITS COLLAR OR GIVES IT ENOUGH WATER OR THE VITAMIN GEL WE GOT FROM OUT FRIEND AND I'M FUCKING TIRED OF IT. It's her damn fault that the cat got so sick and if I have to pay more than half of what's going to be an outrageous vet bill, I'm going to scream. See, if I wanted to, I could leave Orion here where they want him, and I could move into my Grandmother's. Ahh, how nice it would be, not to have to pay bills or anything of the sort. I might actually have money for once.
I'm just so angry. And legitimately so. If she fucking took care of her pets instead of fucking being on tumblr all the time or skype or whatever with her stupid fucking kevin cult or whatever the shit they are, maybe her cat wouldn't have almost died. But hey, who cares, she probably got a new follower on her roleplay blog and all the kevin's will be soooo worried about her poor kitten. Fuck her. She's not allowed to have pets anymore.

I tried posting this on tumblr, but no one cared

I want someone to see this because the internet isn’t giving me answers for once? But at the same time putting this out where people can see is embarrassing, yet I can’t even really ask someone because I have no one to talk about this, so I hope maybe posing my questions to a general audience might get me some answers.

So I’m at this really shitty point of my life where I haven’t dated for over a year now, and I refuse to do so because I feel like I need to figure out what’s going on with me before I involve another human being in my shitty headspace. But at the same time I can’t figure out what’s going on because I don’t have any answers and I feel like I’m not asking the right questions, and I can’t even be honest about my feelings because I’m ashamed and disgusted by my own human nature. Like. I can’t even be honest to myself about how I feel about anything sexual. I’m at this constantly fluctuating point where some days I really want sex and I’m so sexually frustrated and oddly aroused and others the thought of sex makes me so anxious and nervous and sick I can’t understand how I could ever want it. And then while this whole debate is going on in my head, I just keep telling myself, “Why does it matter? Sex isn’t a big deal. You don’t need it to survive. Stop being gross and thinking about it so much, there are so many more important things to be thinking about.”, thus invalidating my want to try and understand how I feel. And it’s dumb and stupid and pointless, but I feel like even though it’s a waste of time and irrelevant, I do need to figure out how I feel about sex and all that jazz. 

Which is where I get lost. Am I pan? Am I ace? What am I? Why does it matter? It matters because I want an easy to read label to put out there to attract a future mate who I might hopefully feel sexual arousal for. Which in itself is asking a lot. I’m trying to think really hard if I’ve ever felt sexual arousal for an actual person, and I’m not sure if I have. Does this mean I might as well throw myself on the asexual bandwagon and doom myself to a life of celibacy?(and before you go telling me I’m all wrong and I have no idea about asexuality, this statement above was just a jab at the stereotype that asexuals are all like 40 year old virgins who can’t get laid. I know they’re not. Trust me) Because I feel like so often, if I did take the plunge to label myself as asexual, I would miss out on the majority of sexual encounters that I might actually enjoy. I’ve felt arousal. Hell, I’ve dabbled here and there, I have my fair share of kinks, and yes, I’ll admit, I’ve masturbated. Oh wow, big shocker, so gross, who would have guessed how nasty I am? Everyone probably, tbh. But do I want sex? Maybe. Does thinking about the actual mechanics of sex gross me out? Yeah. Does genitalia gross me out? Yes. So how am I supposed to get rid of all of this sexual frustration if I’ve got all of these barriers?

Also, a little more honesty hour here: I’ve had sex, and I’ve messed around a bit, but always afterwards I feel scared. And that’s another damper on the whole “I want to start a relationship” thing. I mean, it makes me a total dick to have sex and then every time my brain starts working and there isn’t that cloud of “hey this feels pretty good” I panic and run away or back out or cut all contact. Like. Wow. That puts me in total asshole city and I know it. I am completely aware. But how am I supposed to get over that? Why do I freak out after everything? Why can’t it just be good, and stay good? What’s really the problem here is my brain and me overthinking things, that’s it. I can’t just fucking enjoy something, I have to ruin it for myself and others. Is that why I panic? Is it some big scheme of self-sabotage, something I’ve been known to do my entire life? 

I don’t know what to do. I don’t have any answers. I still have so many more questions, secret fears that something is wrong with me because I’m just not satisfied by certain things, and a shit ton of stuff I can’t tell anyone and haven’t even said here because I just feel like a disgusting fuck up for even having these problems.

Ugh, rant done for now. Writing this out didn’t help me at all. 

Well this is a bunch of shit

Literally. TMI guys, I know, but I have to poop so badly. Like, everyone does it. Everyone poops, incase you didn't read the book.
But you know what's not so great? Our shitty(pun intended) roommate clogged the toilet. Again. Who plunged the toilet? Me. Who will have to call maintenance? Me.
Sometimes, I hate living with these people. Ha ha, correction, all the time. I literally regret ever moving out from my grandmother's. There is no reason for me to be the only responsible person in this house. I guess maturity goes from youngest to oldest here.
Ugh, this is killing me. I really need to go to the bathroom. And I don't have the number for maintenance and I don't want to call because it will just be me giving in to them not having to have any maturity or responsibility. Fuck you guys. Fuck you hard in the asses with something sandpapery.

Whatever, fuck you too

Greaaaaat.
Now I get to deal with her shitty period behavior. My favorite part.
I fucking hate women. Why any part of me thought it would be good to like them is beyond me.

She's going to kill me

Oh boo hoo, you missed your shoot. It's your own god damn fault, but if I didn't tell you to go party with your friends, you'd just cry and be a whiny bitch the entire time. So I'll just sew your entire fucking cosplay for you while you have fun and if you come home and still cry I will leave. I am so done with you. It is literally all your fault that my convention is shit. I am not going to a con with you again.

I hate our new room mate

I can't stand this girl. She's messy and condescending and annoying and I want nothing more than to tell her off but I can't, because she has anxiety and depression and you can't tell someone off when they have those kinds of things. But she's so needy and I didn't sign up for this. I didn't sign up for another annoying mother or to take care of someone 24/7. Generally, if I take care of someone, it's because I love them. I do not love this girl. I do not even remotely like her at the moment. Every time we go out to do something, more often than not it's to get away from her. And I understand it's awful, I know, I feel guilty and awful about it, but it's hard not to give in to the escape when I'd rather have some peaceful and legitimately fun time and I can't have either of those with her around. Tonight she asks that we cuddle because she's super anxious and depressed about her birthday. I want to tell her to fuck off because I don't just cuddle with anyone, but that will negate everything else I've told her. I don't know how to handle her. I'm just a giant asshole and I know that, and I shouldn't be trusted around anyone with anxiety because I can't deal with their shit, it makes me so angry. Like I know they have problems in their brain, so do I. But mine make me angry. Mine make me want to tell her to shut the fuck up and deal with her problems and stop crying BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE YOU CAN'T TELL SOMEONE WITH ANXIETY THAT.
There's no help pages out there for the people who have to deal with the people with anxiety. They just say to be understanding and help out but I can't help if she doesn't fucking help herself. I'm so mad. I don't know what to do. I need to take my medication again, I think. Before I do something really bad.

Friendly reminder

If you want a good night's sleep, go to bed before three a.m.
If you want a good night's sleep and then refuse to go to bed at a reasonable time, you are a dick.
You are even more of a dick if you say you want a good night's sleep so you lock your shitty ass kitten out of your room at night and she keeps me awake all night long the night before I have an exam and a test. You, on the other hand, don't even have class until four. I think you can deal with your shitty little cat.
I have my exam in twenty minutes and all I want to do is set my roommates on fire and eat. I do not want to deal with their shit today. I am not in the mood. And dealing with them not being able to deal with each other because they're essentially children is not what I signed up for. I'm about done with both of them. Neither knows how to act like an adult and it's burning me out. I can't be the youngest one in the apartment and the only one who actively knows how to be an adult.
And don't even get me started on my parents. My mother says I'm not acting like an adult? She should look at the two dipshits I'm living with. One can't even keep her temper and the other can't even deal with working a job she already knows without having major anxiety and breaking down. I can't solve all your problems, kiddos. I am not your mom. I'm not even related to you. I have the least amount of money out of all of us, I can't afford to pay for you to go get medication or therapy and I can't be your therapist because I'm sick of your shit. And you wouldn't even know, because unlike someone, I know how to hide my anger and deal with it, and not be a little annoying shit. You know who you are.

I don't even know where to start with these two

On one hand, one can't deal with her anxiety. On the other hand, the other can't deal with her anxiety, her anger, and her problems. The sad thing is when the one with seemingly more problems is the easier one to deal with. Though I'm pretty sure she's either throwing up or crying in the bathroom right now. So there's that. Which is a whole other thing. I just need to study and focus on my own problems.

Great now there's two

So now I have two annoyances to deal with.
Not only does Sydney complain three times as much, but Melissa already panics at the smallest thing, and is clingy and touchy feely and I can't stand her pet names. I already gave Sydney $100 out of my college fund. My mother is going to kill me if she ever finds out. I still haven't bought all of my books, but of course we fucking got a cat today. And all she does is complain about how much money she's spent and how much rent she's wasted. I'm gonna slap her. I need out of this house so badly. 

Hmm, coincidence?

Mom's boyfriend comes home and she runs for the bathroom, so close together?
So suspicious.

So much anger pent up

I'm so angry right now and I have no legitimate reason to be. I just got so pissed all of a sudden. Like every little thought I have about her just makes me so angry. Her mom sending me with her card to buy her fucking strawberries. Her being a pansy about going to tge doctor. Having to pack her god damn suitcase because she's always so lazy to do it herself on time. "Oh I'm so busy" or "I work all the time". Bullshit. You've had plenty of opportunities to pack. Shut the hell up. I packed for you in ten minutes. Spare me your excuses, you could have taken ten minutes out of your busy schedule of lying around or roleplaying or whatever else you waste your time doing.
God, I'm just making myself more and more pissed off, and I need to put on my happy face in just a few minutes. How did a stupid bitch like you get me so wrapped around your finger? I hate that I do so much for you. I hate that even when things are hard for you, they're not really hard at all. I wish I'd fallen in love with someone responsible, and who had a spine and wasn't such a lazy ass. But then, I never have been able to love myself.

Drama queen strikes again

Seriously, she makes stupidly overdramatic posts and statutes to make everyone worry and panic when she's really fine and she just needs to deal with her problems instead of advertising them to get sympathy for every little thing.
It pisses me off. I was so tempted to ruin her little parade by telling everyone she's fine. But I didn't because I'm not publicly a bitch and I have to spend the rest of the weekend with her. Joy.

Tmi

She thinks she has a UTI and I'm terrified and panicking I know it's not bad but she never handles medical things well or takes care of herself properly and so it's my job but I can only do my job if she listens to me!
I just need to breath and calm down. Panicking while I can't do anything directly won't help the problem. If it was bad she wouldn't go to work. She's probably just overreacting as usual. I sincerely hope so. I don't need to deal with v this right now especially on top of everything else.
I'm just a mess today, so out of it and nervous and feeling like I'm fraying at the edges. I might go buy a chai after work.

I hate this con

I just want to go home.
I'm broke because of her. I'm miserable because of her.
She made me owe her for this swimsuit and then doesn't want to wear swimsuits after all.
I want to die. I want to go home. My medicine isn't working.

Of course she doesn't

Of course she doesn't want to do what I want to. Because if we ever did something I wanted to do we'd actually be friends right?
I'm so fucking done with her and our trip hasn't even started.
This whole thing is going to suck balls. I don't know why I expected it to actually be fun for once. I really need to stop going to cons.

I'm trying to be the better person

Yes, I'm always bitter and hateful towards her, and I know it's because I have jealousy in me. I know I'm jealous of how she gets everything, or how her parents actually love her, or how skinny she is or how pretty she can be, and I shouldn't be. I shouldn't compare myself to her, and even then I have tons of redeeming qualities that she doesn't have, like being intelligent and having a great GPA in college and being able to drive and have functioning sexual relationships and those are things that matter in the real world but at the same time in this damn fantasy world she forces us to live in with cons every month and cosplay this and tumblr that, she's somehow the more competent one. She's so social and she has so many friends and they all just fawn over her and live in her dumb little world and I just want to bitch slap her into reality. Like, so she fucking realizes real life isn't about how many damn cosplays you do or how many followers she has on the internet it's about getting good grades and driving and having a permanent job and a house and completing college and the more I think about it the angrier I get. Like I got handled colitis, shitty parents and a meager college fund and I got through college with excellent grades. Where as she got a huge ass amount of stuff handed to her, never truly gave a shit about her school life and still is allowed to live how she wants. Why the hell should that be allowed? The only time she has major anxiety is when she fucks herself over with her dumb ass decisions. I have to have anxiety over her, and things that aren't my fault.
I guess the reason why I'm jealous is because I grew up to be the person everyone said was ideal yet slackers like her are the ones who get to live the ideal lives.

Go fuuuuuck yourself

Ahahahahahahaha.
It's funny that you think you're going to get somewhere in life I'm just going to laugh at you all summer long as you fail because you're pathetic s nd going nowhere.
Adios, bitch.

It's pathetic but hilarious

I'm hurting myself just because I want something, isn't it funny? I don't think the crazy pills are working.
I can't go out and do anything without money but I won't rely on others because I already owe everyone so much and it's hard to keep track of all this debt as it piles up.
Honestly, even the thought of all of my debt keeps me inside, beating myself, just for even making decisions that put me more indebted to others. I hate myself. I'm disgusting.

Help Yourself or No One Will

Fucking solve your own problems. I don't rely on you to fix everything for me. So why do you do it to me?
I can't even do anything for you if you won't even start looking for a solution. Solving problems is too hard for you, all you do is complain and set yourself to fail. If you've got a problem, all you do is whine about it, you don't try to fix it, or even figure out what is wrong. And it's so god damn irritating. How do you even expect to get through life the way you are? You won't make it through like the stupid idiot you are now.
And now you're just sitting there playing around on your phone. Didn't you say you had so much to do?
You piss me off so much and I'm not even sure how anyone honestly ever put up with your crap. I obviously need to be a more abrasive person to deal with your shit but that's too much effort to change myself again just to deal with all of your problems.
You cry when I say I'm used to your shit? Why does it even surprise you? I'm the one on the pills but you're the one that should be downing pills by the handful and be put in a loony bin. I'm used to you? More like I fucking have to be or I'd go insane because your shit is fucking ridiculous.
I say I'm used to it, but what I mean is stop. Stop being so fucking annoying.  Deal with these god damn destructive habits because they're only going to fuck you over, honey. They're not my problems, they're yours.

It's a limit

I can only do so much. I'm not a miracle worker.
I feel like I owe it to her to do things for her and put up with her shit, because she puts up with my shit.
But I just get so irritated and frustrated and it's so hard to just to put up with her.
She uses it as an excuse to let her emotions be even more of a hassle. She already doesn't handle her fucking problems, and then you add her using this excuse to just put more emotional bull shit on top and I get so fed up with it.
Seriously, just fucking face your god damn problems and stop making them my problems. I'm going to be so relieved when I don't have to deal with her every day this summer. She'll still probably text me and whine and bitch and moan about every little thing, but at least I won't have to deal with her in person.
I can't wait.

I've reached that point again

Every Shuto I've reached this point. The one where I can't stand her and what she does to me anymore and I want to tell her to take a flying leap off a tall building.
I know she knows I'm upset with her. And she honestly can't fix the problem because I can't tell her because I'm not supposed to have feelings.
Everyone else can have pet peeves and breaking points and arguments, but as soon as I step out of line it's game over. Which makes it even more annoying when my emotions rear their ugly head. Because I'm the least allowed to have an opinion but the most likely to need one for all the shit I go through.

I'm so tired and confused

So Sydney kissed me.
On the lips.
Thursday while at the movies.
But ever since then she's made me feel awful when I even mention it or try to cuddle with her. And then complains when I hang back from snuggling with her.
I'm so confused and I don't know what to do. I was so done getting my hopes up. I'd finally come to terms with just being friends, and then she throws that curveball at me. It actually hurts. I'm so tired of hoping and forgiving and getting broken over and over again.
I just want to forget.

It's almost that time again

Ahh, ShutoCon, my third least favorite con. Sydney ignores me, treats me like shit, ditches me, and oh yeah, she'll probably claim the credit for all the work I did to make her cosplays look good.
I spend all this money to be miserable for a weekend and never get any money in return.
I mean, she's making bank this weekend, and you know what I'm doing? I'm worrying about saving enough money for gas to pick her up from class next week because of course she never gives me gas money. I'm so sick of her, especially now that she's extra whiney because she's getting sick. I swear, its like if I didn't spoon feed her everything or baby her or coddle her she'd probably cease to function. Yet no one even realizes how pathetic and unreliable she is because she's always using someone. I'd love to let her flounder and fall but at the same time I don't want to see all the pity she'll get for being so 'alienated and alone' and who else will throw away their lives just to make her happy.
She's useless. She's never on time, not reliable, responsible, financially stable or competent, and she's as unintelligent as a middle schooler who doesn't realize the importance of education or self awareness. She's vain, whiney and overall  a user. I don't hate her, but at the same time I wish she wasn't so toxic.

It's 8:42 right now

She just stormed off to pretend to be useful. Let's see how long that lasts, and how much of it she actually spends whining on her phone.
Boo hoo. I'm so fucking sorry that your cosplay isn't perfect. It's not like I can do any better in this short amount of time. I mean, I'm not even getting paid, and I'm still working my ass off.
Mm, and I can't wait for her to ditch me at the con for her friend. Or any of her friends.
Or please. When she got upset earlier about being replaced made me laugh. It happens to everbatteries babe. And you do it more often than not. So shut the fuck up and quit your pity party because I ain't coming.

Why aren't they working?

I'm taking crazy pills now, (read, prozac) and they're supposed to make me a better person. Well, not a better person, but a more sane person, obviously. But I don't think they're working. Tomorrow I up the dose by another ten mg, which I hope will fix me. The doctor warned that it might upset my stomach, which worries me a bit. I hope my stomach is okay with the dose. I need to up the dose to be normal. I find myself getting angry again, and I know I can't. I have to be normal, and not let my anger get out. Because my anger isn't normal, or good. I need to keep it contained, because it's not good to get so angry or pissed off by so many things. I have to be tolerant and calm.
I just get so irritated by all the things she does sometimes. She's paying fucking money for college, why isn't she taking it more seriously? Especially when she's accruing debt over it? I don't understand it at all. Or why she just whines and moans about her assignments and says she's not good at them so she can't do them. Fucking grow up. I'm not good at a lot of things but that doesn't mean I don't do them, especially when there's a grade on the line.
I guess it's just another one of those things I don't understand, like why she hates when people wear tights instead of pants, or why she turns on the sink when she's in a public bathroom. They're just things that annoy me, and there's nothing I can do to change that so I guess I just need to bottle it up until I can ignore it completely.

Completely mad

I'm hitting rock bottom these days. I didn't eat well today and so now I'm starving myself. I'm so hungry but I don't want to put good food in myself. It's such a waste. I'm just going to go lie in bed. I don't need to eat anything to lie in bed. I just need to go do my homework. But it's so hard to do my homework when I'm so drained.
It's pathetic. I keep making excuses for why I'm such a lazy fuck up. But I just need to get up and do the work. If I do the work maybe then I can allow myself to eat. I'm such a fat ass, I really need to cut back on my eating. I wish my body wasn't so used to eating. And that my medicine didn't have to be taken with food. Then I wouldn't have to eat at all. I used to be really good at that. I could go ages without eating before, but now I'm so used to being a fat ass that it hurts to be so hungry.
I hate myself.

Please, no one inconvenience themselves

Tomorrow's my birthday. I'm gonna sit at home alone and read the Odyssey. I'm going to pretend it's not even my birthday. I'm going to go about my day doing everything as normal as I possibly can, without talking to anyone.
I mean, come on. It's not like it's rocket science to even bake me a fucking cupcake. I work myself to death to make other people happy, and they can't even figure out or try to make me happy. The only people who even bother aren't even people who are big contributors in my life. What does that say that the people I care about don't even give enough of a damn to try and make me happy on my own fucking birthday?
I just wanted a fucking homemade cupcake. Go screw yourselves. Consider all of our friendships terminated.
I just want to go hang out with people I hardly know, have someone actually tell me I'm pretty for once and not sound like they're getting paid to say it, to enjoy myself, to do what I want, when I want to, to eat what I want, to say what I want, to get what I want. I realize that's all pretty extreme. But then again it's my birthday. Maybe the universe will humor me and at least allow me to enjoy myself this once.

Responsibilities to others

Being responsible for other people is annoying. I got my shit together, why can't they?
Why do I have to live my life by their schedule, just because I'm the only one who can be mature and responsible?
I hate having to deal with everyone and their lives and their wants. People are annoying, to an extreme. Keeping them happy is annoying. Placating them is tedious. Not arguing with every stupid thought that crosses their lips is a strain.
I like college because I have friends now who can drive and take care of themselves and are responsible. But I'm still lugging around friends who just don't realize how much of a burden they are.
I guess I really shouldn't complain. I should consider myself lucky that anyone bothers to put up with my psychotic self. I know I'm getting worse. I'm slipping more and more, not keeping the mask up, finding it so hard to beat myself back into normality. I can't keep slipping. I don't need friends, but I also don't need anymore pills. That's the reason I won't tell anyone else that there's something wrong. I don't want more pills, more doctor's visits, more wasted time telling me there's something wrong with me and giving me a label for the kind of broken I am. I know I'm fucked in the head, but it'd be weak and pathetic of me to let anyone else know that there's another chink in my armor.

In less than ten words

How to you say "I'm so aroused" without saying it outright to the oblivious?
You don't. You go home and play with your vibrator and fantasize about all those things you wish you were brave enough to do with others but can't because you're a disgusting meat-bag hello.
I often dream of finding someone who'll just dominate me and pleasure me and humor me and my odd and sick kinks, and then I realize that it's impossible. No one would ever want me. No one does want me. I have to fight to even be attractive to others, and I'm a far cry from finding anyone around here who'd be interested in a little bit of action, especially with her around.
Honestly, I wouldn't be in this dark abysmal place right now if I wasn't so sexually frustrated, I bet you anything. This is about the time that I feel the need to hurt myself or punish myself. It's never a good time and I really do need some kind of help or medication at least while I'm sane enough to realize I truly am sick, but I can't bring myself to admit weakness.
I wish I were normal. I wish I was just a vanilla person who liked boys and wasn't socially crippled and awkward and was averagely pretty and was living a real college life instead of one monopolized by work and anxiety and all that. Like, so many people I see are living there life in college. And I'm just slogging through it. By the time I'm supposed to be reaching those golden years, I'll already be tied down by a monotonous job or three that won't lead my life anywhere and I'll have little hope of a career in a profession I enjoy. I'll probably take part in unfulfilling relationships that mean nothing and lead nowhere. The more I think about it the more depressed I become. Why do I even keep on living like this? Why don't I turn around my life, or end it?
Because either way I'll hurt people and then I'll just feel worse and screw up even more trying to make them happy again or trick myself into attempting to feel happy when I know perfectly well that I'm just a miserable person who's trying to fill my sorry excuse of a life with meaningless material objects and empty friendships and relationships. It's all going to be a waste, no matter what I do. My life is meaningless, and it's so disheartening and frustrating to think that I have to keep trudging on, continuing this farce.

Horny college kid problems

When you want to frick but your best friend won't take the hint and is also straight(?).

Afraid of so much

I've never understood my fears.
Fear of the telephone. It's so stupid, and socially hindering.
Fear of other women's periods. I have no idea about this one.
Fear of my kinks. This is only sometimes, and with her. I can never feel good about anything with her.
I wish I could just get rid of these annoying roadblocks. They hold me back so much, and I can't stand it.

Terrifying

It's literally one of the most terrifying feelings, to be worried about someone. I hate it. It's killing me inside, to not be able to control the nausea I can't help but feel, or the nerve-wracking anxiety that won't let me sit still. I worry it's codependence, that I worry myself to death about how she's feeling, and that I can't just let her feel how she feels without feeling some kind of terrible pain or sickness myself. I'm half crazed the amount of time I feel like I'm trapped in my head worrying about her. My stomach rolls, my heart pounds in my chest, and I have to do anything and everything to not go out of my mind, either in depression or anxiety. I can't stop scanning for her, even though it hasn't been that long and I know it will take her at least a little bit of time to settle her stomach.
I can't stop. I can't focus. My eyes keep darting over to where I last saw her and my body is shaking and my thoughts are going fifty miles and hour and my breathing won't slow down. It's ridiculous. Every flash I see out of the corner of my eye makes me think it'd her.
Ohp she's back.

Why can't my future be happy?

Why can't I have something for myself?
I want to be in a different mythology class because I can't stand my professor and his attitude, but I don't want to be in her class as she flaunts all of her 'love for mythology' and does that annoying thing where she bathes in attention and I get to be the half-wit sideshow.
Seriously. I just want to get the credit for this class and be done with it. But I don't want to be stuck in a class I'll be miserable in, and either way it seems to be the case.
Which pisses me off immensely. If I wanted to just be able to glide through a class I'd take the one she's in, but I'd be far too irritated to make it through a semester of that class with her in it, because she'd either glide through it too and flaunt it and be annoying as always, or she'd bomb it and whine and moan and be pathetic and even more annoying. I can't tell which I hate more, when she's good at something and doesn't know when to be modest, or when she's bad at something and doesn't realize to improve means she either has to actually do something, or stop complaining.
And her class sounds like more of a social place, which is something I'm not sure I want to get into. I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to get good grades and a degree and be done with this. College isn't about having fun, it's about getting something productive done with your life so you can go on to suffer through the rest of the torturous and tedious experience until you can finally die.

I'm a monster

But they made me this way. It's all their fault that Solus is shredded and torn. If it weren't for them, I never would have had to put my scissors on him. If it weren't for them I could have kept it together. If it weren't for them I could have gone on pretending I was happy again.
But now I can't. I can't go back and take back all of the horrible gashes in Solus's fur. Or all the stuffing that's all over my bed. I can't fix myself anymore, now I'm broken, and a monster.
I can't go back.
So tonight I'll sleep in the closet, and tomorrow I'll leave.