Useless

I hate being deemed useless by others. Only I'm allowed to call myself useless.
I wish I'd just lived my life for me. It would have been so much easier.
I hate everyone.

I don't know why

For some reason, I'm oddly pissed off. Like, I really shouldn't. Getting sick and feeling bad happen. I definitely shouldn't be holding people to my dumb standards of just muscling through sickness. I am literally the worst person to judge people for being held back by being sick, because I just don't care if I'm sick or not. But this voice at the back of my head says she just wants more sleep and to skip this class and I'm almost sure I'm right. Which is horrible of me, to be doubting the honesty of a friend, but then again I'm a master of lies, so doubting everyone is what I do.

Really shit mood

I'm already in a terrible mood today, and I shouldn't be, but I am. There's really nothing I can do about it. I always get in these kinds of moods sometimes, and she never really makes them any better. I almost wish I just wasn't hanging out with her today. Sometimes hanging out with people that aren't her make life more bearable.
I bet she feels the same. I bet that's why she treats me like trash.

Futureless

After some long, somewhat revealing conversations I had last night with some friends, I'm just lost and sad.
I don't know what to do anymore with my life. Or how to act. All I know is the things I've always secretly hoped for will never come true.
I had a moment like this a few years ago with another friend. One morning I woke up and just knew that I couldn't keep loving her. And so I stopped.
This revelation isn't quite like that one. This one leaves me lost, not liberated. I've been living a shell of a life all based on the foolish hope that she'd develop some desire for me as well.
Now I don't know what to do. I'm at a point in my life where I'm supposed to be deciding what I do for the rest of it, and I'm realizing all of my choices until now have been wrong.
And it scares me. Because now I don't know if the right choice is to enjoy my life or go the path that puts me in a job that I can make a career out of but I have no real want to do. I know the choice others would want me to take is the one that is safe. But in the end will taking the route to the job that I hate or dread for the rest of my life be just another decision I regret?

I'm at a draw

I tear up so much of my life for her.
I cut myself because it's my fault she's upset or in pain or scared, and I have to be punished for hurting her.
I want to die because I only ruin and hurt the people I touch, but I can't kill myself because then I'd be hurting her and leaving her alone.
But I want to die. All I do is hurt or use people. I use my family, to help her along or get her what she wants.
I use lovers, so that I never touch her the way she doesn't want to be.
I use friends, for both money to furnish her desires and occasionally as the floodgates to stop my raging torrents of emotion that I sometimes just can't hold back.
And as soon as she wakes up, I'm going to use everything in my power to make her as happy as possible, and make sure that if she's unhappy, a pound of flesh comes off my body. My life ruining has to stop.
Or I will find a way to stop it permanently.

Conventions

I'm at this con on the basis that I'm just here for everyone else. It's not about if I'm enjoying the con or if I'm even happy or feeling well. I'm only here for everyone else to be having a good time.
It's barely the second day and I'm already tired and hungry and bored of this shit.
I just want to eat, but I'm going to starve myself today. It's as good a day as any. Can't cut myself? Might as well starve.