Sitting around

I really need to get up and go do something because sitting around, wasting my day for someone to tell me they want to hang out with me isn't going to work anymore. Maybe I'll go to ren faire tomorrow, by myself or something. Buy some stuff.

So I kissed my best friend today I don't know how to feel about it I'm mostly really scared to mess things up so it outweighs the happiness but at the same time I'm really proud of myself because I finally kissed her, though it was just a quick peck on the lips. I wish I hadn't rushed my first real kiss with her but there was no way it wouldn't have been rushed with the way it came about so yeah

People and phones

Have I ever told you how much I fucking hate people who are glued to their phones? Like, it's more than a little rude when you're hanging out with someone and they're constantly checking their phone, tuning you out to be distracted by their technology. Like, I get it that you talk to other people. But what's the point of hanging out with me if you're just going to ignore me to be conversing with someone else? I'd rather go do something else without you and just text you, where I'm more likely to waste less time and still talk to you more.
Or another thing. Stop fucking sulking over class. It's college. It's harder, because you can't just halfass it and expect to do well, unless you've already taken college classes and you know how it works. It looks so easy for me? It's not. I just don't fucking whine about every god damn little thing. So please. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Oh crap asdfghjkl

I pretty much just sent her a declaration of my love. After I'd come to the conclusion this week that we're pretty much an asexual couple. She's even insinuated that we're just about dating. Actually, she's brought it up multiple times. So I'm just kind of rolling with it. For once, I almost feel like I'm on stable ground, and I kind of like that.

College is cool

I really enjoy college.
I don't really enjoy my family though, any of them, not even the extended kind. I thought about cutting tonight, but that's too drastic for being just a little upset. I didn't even tear up while she was scolding me, which is a definite step up. Even when I'm pretty emotional and shit, I kept it cool. The only outward sign of distress might be my closed door, but it doesn't need to be open now that I'm not using the fan. I also cleaned up my bathroom space. Tomorrow I'm going to clean up my room so it looks like I'm ready to leave. If nothing else, having my room tidy if I kill myself is something nice for everyone. 
I'm trying to figure out how I'd kill myself here. Maybe I'd go out, to the old barn that my grandmother likes so much, and find a way to kill myself there. I wish I had a gun. A gun would be the easiest way to do it. All the other ways have so many ways of going wrong that I'd rather not chance it. I feel so bad now, having wasted so much money to go to college and killing myself. I feel obligated to pay everyone I feel responsible to back. But there's no way I can do that. And why should I pay them back if they're ultimately robbing me of my life? That's a good question. Maybe it will help me feel less guilty when the time comes. Maybe.