Compulsive Self-deprivation

It's gotten to the point that I can't even let myself eat during meals or else I'm a fuck up.
I just wanted to go to the grocery and get shampoo. And to eat food. But I told myself not to give in to my hunger during dinner tonight and I did anyways. I messed up. I ate a lot of chips. Not even just a small amount that I could live with. No. A lot. And so then I couldn't go to the grocery because I'd already indulged in food. So I got to torture myself by watching them drive away. I was fine, until my mother came back and tried everything to get me to go with her and offered me a second chance. Of course I had to say no, as by now it would be a killing offense if I'd let myself indulge again. But then she left in a fit because I wouldn't let myself leave, and then I had to beat myself because I almost gave in to going to the grocery. And the worst part is I told her I wanted to go and she almost changed her plans for me, and I'm disgusting filth, no one should be doing anything for me.
I really want to tell the person I'm meeting up with tomorrow that I can't, just so my punishment really burns. But at the same time that would be quite rude to them. But it's not like I haven't lied before to them to punish myself. I'm far too spoiled. Which makes it difficult to end my pathetic, useless life because I feel indebted to everyone. Ugh.

What a fucking baby

Jesus christ, do I know I've made bad life decisions. I really wish I could get out of them.
I'm practically throwing away my life to live with a child who can't handle the real world. Like. Fucking grow up. Cried twenty times? Sure, I had my anxiety attacks, but I fucking got over it. I got my shit together and I've done something with my life, I haven't sat around wasting my time and other people's money. I got a job. I got into college. I got my drivers license. There are so many more important things than conventions and friends, and I realized that a long time ago and accepted it. But how am I supposed to trust you to follow through with anything when you tell me things like that? Crying doesn't get you anywhere. Crying doesn't get you through your first rent bill or your first day of work or your first college class. So excuse me if I hate myself and you for ever committing myself to such a useless person.

Wow this is a plot twist

I like...three people?
Now, admittedly, the third is a person who I've looked up to for the longest time and have the biggest art crush on ever and am honored that they even speak to me so. But that relationship will never happen because golly gee am I such an awkward geek.
The second is a total little sass master and gosh darn it if I don't just smile thinking about her. I love going to work on the days she's there, she makes it so much better and it's so hard not to smile like an idiot at her. I'm pretty sure I already do. It's the worst in the best kind of way. But I also can't relationship with her because long distance relationships never seem to work, especially not for me. And I think if it became long distance we'd just be awkward, not the dynamic we are now.
And the first...well, we all know the first.


And on top of starving myself constantly to save up for the apartment I desperately need to move in to, I will now have to pay for a class the state is blackmailing me into taking. I hate my mother. I really do. She's a waste of space, just like I am.

The clingy annoying one

I hate that most of the time I feel like a really annoying clingy girlfriend when in fact I do not have the privilege to be any of those things so I should just suck up my bitter feelings and stop making such a mess of things. In reality, I'm really tired of myself. And I'm really tired of everything that's happening around me. I feel like I'm the only one who's prepared to actually do something with my life like I'm supposed to, and then everyone around me is just stalling for time while they play in their little fantasy worlds where they get to do fun stuff and enjoy themselves when that's not the norm that society has put forth for us.
God damn it people, why don't you see this? You're going to have to pretend to be an adult now. You can't just keep running around on someone else's bill, doing the things you want to whenever you want to. You're going to actually have to step up to the plate, get shit done, get a job and muscle through college. And golly gee, if that doesn't suck. But boo-hoo, no one has time to feel sorry for you because it's reality and this is how life works and we've all had to go through with this already, so why haven't your hopes and dreams been crushed yet? It's not fair that you still get to enjoy your life. So we're going to ruin it with how things should be, and if you aren't a miserable pile of shit by the end then we're not trying hard enough.