I'm praying she'll be okay. I hope to god she'll be okay.
And you know why I'm only relying on google for this? Because for years, I've prayed to a higher power to give me the ability to make my loved ones better, to take away their pain and protect them, and you know what? Even the slightest chance of such an ability showing itself never arose. Merciful god? I think not. If there is a higher power, they don't care about us. And that's the cold hard truth.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Why
Why do you tell me such things.
Do you want to make me mad.
Do you want to make me jealous.
What do you want from me.
I'm so fucking tired of guessing.
Do you want to make me mad.
Do you want to make me jealous.
What do you want from me.
I'm so fucking tired of guessing.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Sorry
"Sorry I was doing art"
actually no what I mean is "Sorry I don't give a fuck go fucking jump off a building I'm selling your birthday presents on etsy"
Ohp. Look what bitches get.
actually no what I mean is "Sorry I don't give a fuck go fucking jump off a building I'm selling your birthday presents on etsy"
Ohp. Look what bitches get.
Friday, July 26, 2013
World
I live in a world where I just want to kill myself all the time.
I don't want to eat.
I don't want to socialize.
I don't want to do anything at all. I just want to not exist to begin with.
I don't want to eat.
I don't want to socialize.
I don't want to do anything at all. I just want to not exist to begin with.
Want to burn her
There is so much of an urge not to help her out any more, not to baby her, not to spoon feed everything to her anymore. I could cut her out of my life completely and probably be better off. I wouldn't have to worry about getting a job or an apartment for college, I wouldn't have to constantly be putting miles on my car to see her, I wouldn't spend so much in gas, I could use more of my money on things I want, I'd be a lot better off, seeing as I wouldn't have to constantly worry about her shit and plan around her.
This sounds so liberating that I'm not sure why I'm not doing it, other than the fact that she has some of my stuff. And off the top of my head the only thing I can think of that she has of mine is my KH DDD game, which I might even sacrifice. I have money. I can definitely buy a new one if I'm not spending all of my money on her or stupid plans that revolve around her.
And I mean, it's not like she doesn't have a billion other friends, so she won't be lonely. She makes friends easily, it won't be a problem for her.
I could do it. I could cut off all ties. I'm so close to doing it, it's so very, very tempting.
This sounds so liberating that I'm not sure why I'm not doing it, other than the fact that she has some of my stuff. And off the top of my head the only thing I can think of that she has of mine is my KH DDD game, which I might even sacrifice. I have money. I can definitely buy a new one if I'm not spending all of my money on her or stupid plans that revolve around her.
And I mean, it's not like she doesn't have a billion other friends, so she won't be lonely. She makes friends easily, it won't be a problem for her.
I could do it. I could cut off all ties. I'm so close to doing it, it's so very, very tempting.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Vomits stress on everything
Ugh, my stress levels are through the roof and I'm constantly nauseous. I have to go to work in little over an hour too, but thankfully I only work five hours today. And I have tomorrow off. I really want to do some photography work tomorrow, maybe stage another one of my self multi-models, but I'm not sure where, and what to theme it. I've had this idea running for a multiple fawn shoot, but doing the makeup for that would take forever, especially if I tried to vary it from character to character.
On top of all that fun stuff, trying to distract myself from the stress really isn't working. I'm terrified to the point of extreme anxiety over my traffic citation and the lack of appropriate postage it had. I'm hoping that it somehow made it's way to the court, and they've got it now, because it's due tomorrow, and if the post office is holding it and hasn't sent it back to me yet because of the lack of postage I am going to flip my shit if it's late because of that. I'm terrified the post office is still holding it and won't return it back to me until after the date is passed because then it will be a misdemeanor and I really don't want that.
I've been making myself sick over this traffic violation for days now, and I really just wish I had some peace of mind over it.
On top of all that fun stuff, trying to distract myself from the stress really isn't working. I'm terrified to the point of extreme anxiety over my traffic citation and the lack of appropriate postage it had. I'm hoping that it somehow made it's way to the court, and they've got it now, because it's due tomorrow, and if the post office is holding it and hasn't sent it back to me yet because of the lack of postage I am going to flip my shit if it's late because of that. I'm terrified the post office is still holding it and won't return it back to me until after the date is passed because then it will be a misdemeanor and I really don't want that.
I've been making myself sick over this traffic violation for days now, and I really just wish I had some peace of mind over it.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Can tomorrow just never come?
And I don't mean that in a good way. I just don't have the life in me to go to work tomorrow and keep doing this living thing the way I'm supposed to. It's just not going to work out. I'm depressed to the point of exhaustion, and everything is just too overwhelming right now. Plus, to top it all off, a wonderful friend of mine triggered my social anxiety that I normally keep buried at the bottom of the barrel because that's one more problem I can hide with fake cheeriness if I try. But no. It decided to rear its ugly head today and make me feel even worse and I just don't want to deal with anything. But I don't want to sleep because I don't want time to pass because it will only bring me closer to having to work and I just don't want to deal with anyone. My anxiety's to the point where it's not even large groups, even talking to someone or seeing their face would probably have me in tears right now and all I can ask myself is why am I such a fuck up now, I was fine before. Really. I'm such a weakling now. I used to be so much stronger than this, not nearly as pathetic and worthless. And now I have nothing to boast except how extraordinarily useless I am.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
A realistic list of things that I want
- for my UC not to act up every time I'm stressed
- For some of my coworkers not to be asshats
- For real life situations to be easier to handle on a social level
- For my best friend to either have a relationship with me or stop this aggravating flirting
- for college to not suck total balls
- for my mother not to have unrealistic expectations of me
- for my relatives not to be homophobic assholes
- to not feel the urge to kill myself all of the time
a list of unrealistic things I want
- for my UC to be gone
- to not have to work at a job that pays horribly and makes me feel sick constantly
- for social things to always be easy
- for my best friend to totally want me and be all over me constantly
- for college to be easy
- for my mother to love me
- for my relatives to want me and accept me
- to be happy
Neither list looks really unrealistic but wow you have no idea how little of a chance I have for anything on either of these lists to happen
Monday, July 8, 2013
I can't do it
I'm not going to eat unless someone forces me to, and that's really sad. I really want to eat. I'm kind of hungry. But I can't unless someone makes me do it. And it's really annoying. I want to eat. Why can't someone just do the thing.
Friday, July 5, 2013
WHY!?
WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST FUCKING SAY YOU WANTED ME THERE? WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST SAY THE RIGHT THING FOR ONCE? NOW I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF AND YOU WON'T EVEN KNOW YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED IT. I HATE ALL OF YOU. EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. WHY COULDN'T SOMEONE JUST HUMOR ME FOR ONCE? LET ME WHAT I WANT TO DO? IS IT SO FUCKING HARD? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO AND BREAK ME AGAIN, AND AGAIN AND AGAIN? I'M A PERSON TOO. I HATE ALL OF YOU SO GODDAMN MUCH.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
I'm just going to disappear
I'm just going to work and never talk to any of my friends. It's better that way.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
I need a translator
Can anyone translate straight girl talk and tell me what "I love you so damn much it hurts' because hot damn, to me if you love someone so much it hurts it means there should be a little more smoochin' and a little less gigglin'.
I'm just gonna roll into a ball of excited teenager, okay? My head might hurt, and my stomach might be hungry, but gosh darn, if my spirits aren't soaring high. Can I please just have her? Can she be mine to have? I don't want to taint her, I just want to hold her, and know she's mine, that I can call her my own. Because I won't cage that beauty, but I sure would like to embrace it.
I'm just gonna roll into a ball of excited teenager, okay? My head might hurt, and my stomach might be hungry, but gosh darn, if my spirits aren't soaring high. Can I please just have her? Can she be mine to have? I don't want to taint her, I just want to hold her, and know she's mine, that I can call her my own. Because I won't cage that beauty, but I sure would like to embrace it.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Shit, I'm not sure I can do it
Tonight, I wrote it.
I wrote the fanfic of my life, and the truth of it is that it ended exactly how it should have ended. Not with a happy ending, not with a kiss, not with some fantasy relationship. No. It ended with tears, and me driving home alone and broken. And now I can't go to sleep and think about how it'd be to have her lips on mine, or her body pressed against the front of me. No. All I can think about is the road away from her house, and how I always feel lost as I leave. And I realize it's because once I leave, I have no idea where I'm going from there, but I'm not leaving home. I'm just leaving my heart behind.
You wanna read it? You don't wanna read it. But I'm gonna leave it here anyways.
--
I sit solitary on the floor. I'm glaring angrily at the TV, ignoring the presence behind me on the bed. Getting attached was stupid. What had I been thinking when I let myself fall in love? Apparently, I've sighed one too many times.
"What's wrong? Just tell me already." The sullen question makes me want to talk less.
"Nothing. Nothing's wrong." I say, grinding my teeth together. I'm stubborn, and I won't let her get to me any more. I don't know why I came. This was a stupid idea. There isn't any way to patch up this friendship, not anymore. I'm being replaced, and I know I'm being less than graceful about the transition.
"Fine, if you want to be that way." I can here the bite in her voice. I watch her legs swing out next to me, and she gets up and leaves the room. I hear the bathroom door slam, and the stereo turn up. Peering around the corner, I make sure the door really is shut. Confident now that I'm left to myself, I crawl in bed. I wrap the patterned quilts around my body, and secretly let myself inhale her scent of of her pillow. I wrap myself around it, and close my eyes.
"Oh, if only how you knew how I wanted to be." I whisper into the fabric, and hear the music in the bathoom turn up even louder. That's how she wants it to be. She wants to tune out all the problems, and I can't blame her. I haven't exactly been easy to deal with. But how easy is it to deal with your slowly crumbling heart? The truth of the matter is that it isn't easy. It hurts. It hurts almost as much as thinking about how she's probably texting someone in that bathroom, complaining about her life, how she's not clinging to the scent of her on her pillow like I am. Because I've always been the attached one, and she's just been here for the free stuff.
It's been a half an hour now and she's still in that bathroom, even though the music is quieter now. I can't sit here any longer. I slide out of bed too, and walk out of the room. My sandals are on my feet and I'm out the door before her dog even has time to move to stare at me blankly. I'd stare at me too, if I were him. My eyes are probably red, and I'm wearing pjs, but I don't really care. Or so I tell myself as I make my way across the dewy grass to her swing. The moon's out tonight, and it's really pretty, even if the air's kind of cold for a summer night. This swing is actually really close to the ground, and I've never been able to figure out how she swings on it, when her legs are so much longer than mine. Wow, I've really zoned out, I've been sitting here on this cold plastic swing for so long, the stars and moon are moving across the sky. And that's when I realize. I'm all alone. It's not like some fantasy of mine, where she comes out into the moonlight and apologizes. Where she tells me she's secretly loved me the entire time, and our future starts under these stars. No.
"Well. Isn't this how it always is. Isn't it how it's always been." I laugh to myself bitterly, and suddenly, it's the funniest thing in the world. I'm laughing so hard I can't catch my breath, and at some point, there are tears running down my cheeks. I'm not really sure when the laughter turned to sobs, but it must have at some point, because my face is in my hands and the tears won't stop either. It's not fair I keep thinking to myself, and I'm right. It isn't fair. But when has life ever been fair? When has life ever treated me the way I've wanted it to? Never. And that's the straight truth. So with that resolve settling into my mind, I wipe the tears off my face and snuffle the snot back up into my nose, secretly hoping she can't see me. I know her window is open, and so are the windows in the living room. She can probably hear me, if she ever left her own little bathroom prison. It's been moments like these, where I've sat by myself, alone and sad, that the one song I spent so long driving one friend away with always comes to mind. I was never sure if it was a love song, but it was my love song.
"I love you-- my tears won't stop, and so I wish, that I had never met you."
Sure, the lyrics might not be in english, but you can tell they sure aren't happy. And it's times like these that I don't need a happy song. I keep singing the melody as I finally gather myself enough to head inside. She isn't sitting hidden behind my car. She isn't sitting on the porch. She isn't even on the sofa, or back in bed. She's still in that bathroom, and nagging at the back of my head is this intense worry she's sick, or hurting herself. But I know it's time for me to stop caring. And so I grab a pillow, and a blanket, and I take them back to the sofa to fall asleep for the night.
The light is coming in through the front window, and her dog is curled up at my feet. It's early in the morning, or at least for my clock it is. I rub the sleep from my eyes, and look to the bathroom. The door is open, so at some point, she must have left it. I get up, use the toilet, and creep into her room silently. She's fast asleep in bed, as if I had never been there. And as long as she continues to sleep, it might as well be as if I never had been. I gather up my clothes, and leave her sleep clothing on the floor. I look back at her sleeping figure, and I make one last bad decision--I walk across the room and plant a kiss on her head. I'm not gonna stay around to see if she'll wake up, though. I get out of there, shutting each and every door behind me. I get to my car door, and I can see her stirring through her curtain slightly. I can't look anymore. I get in my car, shut the door, and back out. I won't look back. I won't look back, please, give me the strength not to look back.
Shit. I'm not strong enough. I look back at the house, to see her silhouette in the living room window. And then I'm gone, pulling out onto the road and speeding away, tears silently streaming down my face.
It's not until I'm miles away, stopped at a stop light, that I delete her number from my phone. I'm closing all the doors behind me.
I wrote the fanfic of my life, and the truth of it is that it ended exactly how it should have ended. Not with a happy ending, not with a kiss, not with some fantasy relationship. No. It ended with tears, and me driving home alone and broken. And now I can't go to sleep and think about how it'd be to have her lips on mine, or her body pressed against the front of me. No. All I can think about is the road away from her house, and how I always feel lost as I leave. And I realize it's because once I leave, I have no idea where I'm going from there, but I'm not leaving home. I'm just leaving my heart behind.
You wanna read it? You don't wanna read it. But I'm gonna leave it here anyways.
--
I sit solitary on the floor. I'm glaring angrily at the TV, ignoring the presence behind me on the bed. Getting attached was stupid. What had I been thinking when I let myself fall in love? Apparently, I've sighed one too many times.
"What's wrong? Just tell me already." The sullen question makes me want to talk less.
"Nothing. Nothing's wrong." I say, grinding my teeth together. I'm stubborn, and I won't let her get to me any more. I don't know why I came. This was a stupid idea. There isn't any way to patch up this friendship, not anymore. I'm being replaced, and I know I'm being less than graceful about the transition.
"Fine, if you want to be that way." I can here the bite in her voice. I watch her legs swing out next to me, and she gets up and leaves the room. I hear the bathroom door slam, and the stereo turn up. Peering around the corner, I make sure the door really is shut. Confident now that I'm left to myself, I crawl in bed. I wrap the patterned quilts around my body, and secretly let myself inhale her scent of of her pillow. I wrap myself around it, and close my eyes.
"Oh, if only how you knew how I wanted to be." I whisper into the fabric, and hear the music in the bathoom turn up even louder. That's how she wants it to be. She wants to tune out all the problems, and I can't blame her. I haven't exactly been easy to deal with. But how easy is it to deal with your slowly crumbling heart? The truth of the matter is that it isn't easy. It hurts. It hurts almost as much as thinking about how she's probably texting someone in that bathroom, complaining about her life, how she's not clinging to the scent of her on her pillow like I am. Because I've always been the attached one, and she's just been here for the free stuff.
It's been a half an hour now and she's still in that bathroom, even though the music is quieter now. I can't sit here any longer. I slide out of bed too, and walk out of the room. My sandals are on my feet and I'm out the door before her dog even has time to move to stare at me blankly. I'd stare at me too, if I were him. My eyes are probably red, and I'm wearing pjs, but I don't really care. Or so I tell myself as I make my way across the dewy grass to her swing. The moon's out tonight, and it's really pretty, even if the air's kind of cold for a summer night. This swing is actually really close to the ground, and I've never been able to figure out how she swings on it, when her legs are so much longer than mine. Wow, I've really zoned out, I've been sitting here on this cold plastic swing for so long, the stars and moon are moving across the sky. And that's when I realize. I'm all alone. It's not like some fantasy of mine, where she comes out into the moonlight and apologizes. Where she tells me she's secretly loved me the entire time, and our future starts under these stars. No.
"Well. Isn't this how it always is. Isn't it how it's always been." I laugh to myself bitterly, and suddenly, it's the funniest thing in the world. I'm laughing so hard I can't catch my breath, and at some point, there are tears running down my cheeks. I'm not really sure when the laughter turned to sobs, but it must have at some point, because my face is in my hands and the tears won't stop either. It's not fair I keep thinking to myself, and I'm right. It isn't fair. But when has life ever been fair? When has life ever treated me the way I've wanted it to? Never. And that's the straight truth. So with that resolve settling into my mind, I wipe the tears off my face and snuffle the snot back up into my nose, secretly hoping she can't see me. I know her window is open, and so are the windows in the living room. She can probably hear me, if she ever left her own little bathroom prison. It's been moments like these, where I've sat by myself, alone and sad, that the one song I spent so long driving one friend away with always comes to mind. I was never sure if it was a love song, but it was my love song.
"I love you-- my tears won't stop, and so I wish, that I had never met you."
Sure, the lyrics might not be in english, but you can tell they sure aren't happy. And it's times like these that I don't need a happy song. I keep singing the melody as I finally gather myself enough to head inside. She isn't sitting hidden behind my car. She isn't sitting on the porch. She isn't even on the sofa, or back in bed. She's still in that bathroom, and nagging at the back of my head is this intense worry she's sick, or hurting herself. But I know it's time for me to stop caring. And so I grab a pillow, and a blanket, and I take them back to the sofa to fall asleep for the night.
The light is coming in through the front window, and her dog is curled up at my feet. It's early in the morning, or at least for my clock it is. I rub the sleep from my eyes, and look to the bathroom. The door is open, so at some point, she must have left it. I get up, use the toilet, and creep into her room silently. She's fast asleep in bed, as if I had never been there. And as long as she continues to sleep, it might as well be as if I never had been. I gather up my clothes, and leave her sleep clothing on the floor. I look back at her sleeping figure, and I make one last bad decision--I walk across the room and plant a kiss on her head. I'm not gonna stay around to see if she'll wake up, though. I get out of there, shutting each and every door behind me. I get to my car door, and I can see her stirring through her curtain slightly. I can't look anymore. I get in my car, shut the door, and back out. I won't look back. I won't look back, please, give me the strength not to look back.
Shit. I'm not strong enough. I look back at the house, to see her silhouette in the living room window. And then I'm gone, pulling out onto the road and speeding away, tears silently streaming down my face.
It's not until I'm miles away, stopped at a stop light, that I delete her number from my phone. I'm closing all the doors behind me.
Cheezus Crust
I'm a mixed jumble of emotions. I got a job today. Plus? Maybe. It does mean money, and keeping my car. Minus? It's a cashier job that keeps giving me shite hours.
I also got to see her today. I got to see her last night too, but she wasn't as lovey today as she was last night. Plus? I got to see her. Minus? It's giving me conflicting emotions.
Now I'm this confusing combination of still slightly happy with a little bit irked, and I'm really unused to it. It may be the most unusual combo of things I have ever felt at one time.
Okay, I guess my emotions settled a little more and now I'm more of a mildly disappointed and resigned feeling. Better. I don't enjoy having my emotions rollercoaster. I'd rather be mad at the world than happy, because happiness never lasts.
I also got to see her today. I got to see her last night too, but she wasn't as lovey today as she was last night. Plus? I got to see her. Minus? It's giving me conflicting emotions.
Now I'm this confusing combination of still slightly happy with a little bit irked, and I'm really unused to it. It may be the most unusual combo of things I have ever felt at one time.
Okay, I guess my emotions settled a little more and now I'm more of a mildly disappointed and resigned feeling. Better. I don't enjoy having my emotions rollercoaster. I'd rather be mad at the world than happy, because happiness never lasts.
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