Tell me how

Please, I'd really like to know, how when I'm so often telling you the right way to do something, you still think doing it a different way that never works, is going to be the right answer to your problem.
Like, I was having a really good evening and now I'm just in a really horrible mood and it sucks. I pretty much got all the presents I wanted for Christmas, with a few really enjoyable ones I didn't expect at all, and I was really happy. But now I'm pissed off and irritated and I don't want to deal with her or anyone right now.
Like I'm so fucking sick of her complaining about her bad sleep when I've told her over ten to twenty different ways to improve her sleep patterns and you know what, she's never taken any of them seriously. So fuck her. Screw it. I'm tired of dealing with her so I'm just not going to, and that's that.

Bitterly Sarcastic

There's nothing I love more than being ignored and left behind as everyone else goes and enjoys themselves.
The only thing I take comfort in is that my life is more likely to amount to something while all of them are left chasing one enjoyable waste of money after another until they're broke, miserable, and essentially futureless. Oh the theater I have to look forward to, a theater of their misery.

Useless

I hate being deemed useless by others. Only I'm allowed to call myself useless.
I wish I'd just lived my life for me. It would have been so much easier.
I hate everyone.

I don't know why

For some reason, I'm oddly pissed off. Like, I really shouldn't. Getting sick and feeling bad happen. I definitely shouldn't be holding people to my dumb standards of just muscling through sickness. I am literally the worst person to judge people for being held back by being sick, because I just don't care if I'm sick or not. But this voice at the back of my head says she just wants more sleep and to skip this class and I'm almost sure I'm right. Which is horrible of me, to be doubting the honesty of a friend, but then again I'm a master of lies, so doubting everyone is what I do.

Really shit mood

I'm already in a terrible mood today, and I shouldn't be, but I am. There's really nothing I can do about it. I always get in these kinds of moods sometimes, and she never really makes them any better. I almost wish I just wasn't hanging out with her today. Sometimes hanging out with people that aren't her make life more bearable.
I bet she feels the same. I bet that's why she treats me like trash.

Futureless

After some long, somewhat revealing conversations I had last night with some friends, I'm just lost and sad.
I don't know what to do anymore with my life. Or how to act. All I know is the things I've always secretly hoped for will never come true.
I had a moment like this a few years ago with another friend. One morning I woke up and just knew that I couldn't keep loving her. And so I stopped.
This revelation isn't quite like that one. This one leaves me lost, not liberated. I've been living a shell of a life all based on the foolish hope that she'd develop some desire for me as well.
Now I don't know what to do. I'm at a point in my life where I'm supposed to be deciding what I do for the rest of it, and I'm realizing all of my choices until now have been wrong.
And it scares me. Because now I don't know if the right choice is to enjoy my life or go the path that puts me in a job that I can make a career out of but I have no real want to do. I know the choice others would want me to take is the one that is safe. But in the end will taking the route to the job that I hate or dread for the rest of my life be just another decision I regret?

I'm at a draw

I tear up so much of my life for her.
I cut myself because it's my fault she's upset or in pain or scared, and I have to be punished for hurting her.
I want to die because I only ruin and hurt the people I touch, but I can't kill myself because then I'd be hurting her and leaving her alone.
But I want to die. All I do is hurt or use people. I use my family, to help her along or get her what she wants.
I use lovers, so that I never touch her the way she doesn't want to be.
I use friends, for both money to furnish her desires and occasionally as the floodgates to stop my raging torrents of emotion that I sometimes just can't hold back.
And as soon as she wakes up, I'm going to use everything in my power to make her as happy as possible, and make sure that if she's unhappy, a pound of flesh comes off my body. My life ruining has to stop.
Or I will find a way to stop it permanently.

Conventions

I'm at this con on the basis that I'm just here for everyone else. It's not about if I'm enjoying the con or if I'm even happy or feeling well. I'm only here for everyone else to be having a good time.
It's barely the second day and I'm already tired and hungry and bored of this shit.
I just want to eat, but I'm going to starve myself today. It's as good a day as any. Can't cut myself? Might as well starve.

Siiiiiick

I'm an annoying little shit stain and I fucking hate everything.

Lying irritates me

Especially when people lie about important things, like their emotions, or lie about things that manipulate other people's emotions.
Don't say you love me and miss me, you don't.
So I'm tired of hearing you say it. Just use me and abuse me, don't try and fool me that you've got any greater attachment to me other than the services I provide. I'm nothing more to you than a friend at best, and a poor sap you've conned into giving you everything at most.

Guilt Trip

I wonder if she ever feels guilty for the hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars people spend on her. Do other people feel guilty that they just have people showering them in nice things or doing things for them constantly? Or do the people who receive that kind of treatment not really feel any kind of guilt because they're used to it?
I mean, myself in particular, I feel guilty for even breathing, so I know I'm one end of the extremes. But seriously. I hope she does feel a little guilty. Because everyone goes out of their way to make her life easier, except for some of her family(which in itself is a wakeup call to her that in the real world no one wants ti wait on you hand and foot) and it's ridiculous. She never pays them back, she has never had a job in her life, and I chauffeur her everywhere. Or someone else offers. Like. What are you, a queen?
I don't think so.

Grow the fuck up

This isn't fucking high school, do your work. Just because you can be on the internet all class and goofing off and playing games and chatting on Facebook doesn't mean you should. Like grow up. I'm only doing that because I'm done and I know I can pay attention during class while drawing. But you're just completely not paying attention. And you wonder why she marks you poorly in this class. Not only do you not know how to actually do work or try, but she's bound to mark you down of you don't even pay attention and thus don't know anything for this class to even have basic knowledge to pass. So either fucking do your work and stop messing around and actually treat this class like you're paying hundreds of dollars for it, because you are. 

Constantly complaining

Everyone's always complaining about their problems. Me? I'm quietly blogging out mine while going on about my daily business of taking care of everyone and their fucking baggage. I'm not your doctor. I'm not your mom. I'm not even related to you but your family has me $40 feeding them on my dime. Over and over, you use me again and again and again. I used to get so mad about it but I gave up.
No one would even like me if I didn't do everything for them. That's all I'm good for.
But seriously, if I give you advice and you don't take it and then it bites you in the ass and you come crawling to me, I will not be tolerant or nice or kind. Because if you're stupid enough to use me and then ignore me, you're more than capable of being left behind.

Wouldn't it be fun

It would be so fun not to get up early to go to school to catch a bus with her that she doesn't even want to ride. Like if it's raining tomorrow, I'm not even going to go early for her. And she can fucking kiss seeing me catch an early bus on Tuesday goodbye just to be there to see her before class when she gets driven to school like that's fucking ridiculous I should never be doing that in the first place she waits an hour for me a week. I wait five, and I wake up hours too early for her, and waste so much of my time and money on her. The least she could do was ride the bus with me. Because if she doesn't, she can kiss my ass goodbye

Sitting around

I really need to get up and go do something because sitting around, wasting my day for someone to tell me they want to hang out with me isn't going to work anymore. Maybe I'll go to ren faire tomorrow, by myself or something. Buy some stuff.

So I kissed my best friend today I don't know how to feel about it I'm mostly really scared to mess things up so it outweighs the happiness but at the same time I'm really proud of myself because I finally kissed her, though it was just a quick peck on the lips. I wish I hadn't rushed my first real kiss with her but there was no way it wouldn't have been rushed with the way it came about so yeah

People and phones

Have I ever told you how much I fucking hate people who are glued to their phones? Like, it's more than a little rude when you're hanging out with someone and they're constantly checking their phone, tuning you out to be distracted by their technology. Like, I get it that you talk to other people. But what's the point of hanging out with me if you're just going to ignore me to be conversing with someone else? I'd rather go do something else without you and just text you, where I'm more likely to waste less time and still talk to you more.
Or another thing. Stop fucking sulking over class. It's college. It's harder, because you can't just halfass it and expect to do well, unless you've already taken college classes and you know how it works. It looks so easy for me? It's not. I just don't fucking whine about every god damn little thing. So please. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Oh crap asdfghjkl

I pretty much just sent her a declaration of my love. After I'd come to the conclusion this week that we're pretty much an asexual couple. She's even insinuated that we're just about dating. Actually, she's brought it up multiple times. So I'm just kind of rolling with it. For once, I almost feel like I'm on stable ground, and I kind of like that.

College is cool

I really enjoy college.
I don't really enjoy my family though, any of them, not even the extended kind. I thought about cutting tonight, but that's too drastic for being just a little upset. I didn't even tear up while she was scolding me, which is a definite step up. Even when I'm pretty emotional and shit, I kept it cool. The only outward sign of distress might be my closed door, but it doesn't need to be open now that I'm not using the fan. I also cleaned up my bathroom space. Tomorrow I'm going to clean up my room so it looks like I'm ready to leave. If nothing else, having my room tidy if I kill myself is something nice for everyone. 
I'm trying to figure out how I'd kill myself here. Maybe I'd go out, to the old barn that my grandmother likes so much, and find a way to kill myself there. I wish I had a gun. A gun would be the easiest way to do it. All the other ways have so many ways of going wrong that I'd rather not chance it. I feel so bad now, having wasted so much money to go to college and killing myself. I feel obligated to pay everyone I feel responsible to back. But there's no way I can do that. And why should I pay them back if they're ultimately robbing me of my life? That's a good question. Maybe it will help me feel less guilty when the time comes. Maybe. 

Compulsive Self-deprivation

It's gotten to the point that I can't even let myself eat during meals or else I'm a fuck up.
I just wanted to go to the grocery and get shampoo. And to eat food. But I told myself not to give in to my hunger during dinner tonight and I did anyways. I messed up. I ate a lot of chips. Not even just a small amount that I could live with. No. A lot. And so then I couldn't go to the grocery because I'd already indulged in food. So I got to torture myself by watching them drive away. I was fine, until my mother came back and tried everything to get me to go with her and offered me a second chance. Of course I had to say no, as by now it would be a killing offense if I'd let myself indulge again. But then she left in a fit because I wouldn't let myself leave, and then I had to beat myself because I almost gave in to going to the grocery. And the worst part is I told her I wanted to go and she almost changed her plans for me, and I'm disgusting filth, no one should be doing anything for me.
I really want to tell the person I'm meeting up with tomorrow that I can't, just so my punishment really burns. But at the same time that would be quite rude to them. But it's not like I haven't lied before to them to punish myself. I'm far too spoiled. Which makes it difficult to end my pathetic, useless life because I feel indebted to everyone. Ugh.

What a fucking baby

Jesus christ, do I know I've made bad life decisions. I really wish I could get out of them.
I'm practically throwing away my life to live with a child who can't handle the real world. Like. Fucking grow up. Cried twenty times? Sure, I had my anxiety attacks, but I fucking got over it. I got my shit together and I've done something with my life, I haven't sat around wasting my time and other people's money. I got a job. I got into college. I got my drivers license. There are so many more important things than conventions and friends, and I realized that a long time ago and accepted it. But how am I supposed to trust you to follow through with anything when you tell me things like that? Crying doesn't get you anywhere. Crying doesn't get you through your first rent bill or your first day of work or your first college class. So excuse me if I hate myself and you for ever committing myself to such a useless person.

Wow this is a plot twist

I like...three people?
Now, admittedly, the third is a person who I've looked up to for the longest time and have the biggest art crush on ever and am honored that they even speak to me so. But that relationship will never happen because golly gee am I such an awkward geek.
The second is a total little sass master and gosh darn it if I don't just smile thinking about her. I love going to work on the days she's there, she makes it so much better and it's so hard not to smile like an idiot at her. I'm pretty sure I already do. It's the worst in the best kind of way. But I also can't relationship with her because long distance relationships never seem to work, especially not for me. And I think if it became long distance we'd just be awkward, not the dynamic we are now.
And the first...well, we all know the first.


And on top of starving myself constantly to save up for the apartment I desperately need to move in to, I will now have to pay for a class the state is blackmailing me into taking. I hate my mother. I really do. She's a waste of space, just like I am.

The clingy annoying one

I hate that most of the time I feel like a really annoying clingy girlfriend when in fact I do not have the privilege to be any of those things so I should just suck up my bitter feelings and stop making such a mess of things. In reality, I'm really tired of myself. And I'm really tired of everything that's happening around me. I feel like I'm the only one who's prepared to actually do something with my life like I'm supposed to, and then everyone around me is just stalling for time while they play in their little fantasy worlds where they get to do fun stuff and enjoy themselves when that's not the norm that society has put forth for us.
God damn it people, why don't you see this? You're going to have to pretend to be an adult now. You can't just keep running around on someone else's bill, doing the things you want to whenever you want to. You're going to actually have to step up to the plate, get shit done, get a job and muscle through college. And golly gee, if that doesn't suck. But boo-hoo, no one has time to feel sorry for you because it's reality and this is how life works and we've all had to go through with this already, so why haven't your hopes and dreams been crushed yet? It's not fair that you still get to enjoy your life. So we're going to ruin it with how things should be, and if you aren't a miserable pile of shit by the end then we're not trying hard enough.

I'm praying

I'm praying she'll be okay. I hope to god she'll be okay.
And you know why I'm only relying on google for this? Because for years, I've prayed to a higher power to give me the ability to make my loved ones better, to take away their pain and protect them, and you know what? Even the slightest chance of such an ability showing itself never arose. Merciful god? I think not. If there is a higher power, they don't care about us. And that's the cold hard truth.

Why

Why do you tell me such things.
Do you want to make me mad.
Do you want to make me jealous.
What do you want from me.
I'm so fucking tired of guessing.

Sorry

"Sorry I was doing art"
actually no what I mean is "Sorry I don't give a fuck go fucking jump off a building I'm selling your birthday presents on etsy"
Ohp. Look what bitches get.

World

I live in a world where I just want to kill myself all the time.
I don't want to eat.
I don't want to socialize.
I don't want to do anything at all. I just want to not exist to begin with.

Want to burn her

There is so much of an urge not to help her out any more, not to baby her, not to spoon feed everything to her anymore. I could cut her out of my life completely and probably be better off. I wouldn't have to worry about getting a job or an apartment for college, I wouldn't have to constantly be putting miles on my car to see her, I wouldn't spend so much in gas, I could use more of my money on things I want, I'd be a lot better off, seeing as I wouldn't have to constantly worry about her shit and plan around her.
This sounds so liberating that I'm not sure why I'm not doing it, other than the fact that she has some of my stuff. And off the top of my head the only thing I can think of that she has of mine is my KH DDD game, which I might even sacrifice. I have money. I can definitely buy a new one if I'm not spending all of my money on her or stupid plans that revolve around her.
And I mean, it's not like she doesn't have a billion other friends, so she won't be lonely. She makes friends easily, it won't be a problem for her.
I could do it. I could cut off all ties. I'm so close to doing it, it's so very, very tempting.

I literally am so sick of the dumb friends in my life like goodbye can you not I don't even want to care about you anymore please stop.

Vomits stress on everything

Ugh, my stress levels are through the roof and I'm constantly nauseous. I have to go to work in little over an hour too, but thankfully I only work five hours today. And I have tomorrow off. I really want to do some photography work tomorrow, maybe stage another one of my self multi-models, but I'm not sure where, and what to theme it. I've had this idea running for a multiple fawn shoot, but doing the makeup for that would take forever, especially if I tried to vary it from character to character.
On top of all that fun stuff, trying to distract myself from the stress really isn't working. I'm terrified to the point of extreme anxiety over my traffic citation and the lack of appropriate postage it had. I'm hoping that it somehow made it's way to the court, and they've got it now, because it's due tomorrow, and if the post office is holding it and hasn't sent it back to me yet because of the lack of postage I am going to flip my shit if it's late because of that. I'm terrified the post office is still holding it and won't return it back to me until after the date is passed because then it will be a misdemeanor and I really don't want that.
I've been making myself sick over this traffic violation for days now, and I really just wish I had some peace of mind over it.

Can tomorrow just never come?

And I don't mean that in a good way. I just don't have the life in me to go to work tomorrow and keep doing this living thing the way I'm supposed to. It's just not going to work out. I'm depressed to the point of exhaustion, and everything is just too overwhelming right now. Plus, to top it all off, a wonderful friend of mine triggered my social anxiety that I normally keep buried at the bottom of the barrel because that's one more problem I can hide with fake cheeriness if I try. But no. It decided to rear its ugly head today and make me feel even worse and I just don't want to deal with anything. But I don't want to sleep because I don't want time to pass because it will only bring me closer to having to work and I just don't want to deal with anyone. My anxiety's to the point where it's not even large groups, even talking to someone or seeing their face would probably have me in tears right now and all I can ask myself is why am I such a fuck up now, I was fine before. Really. I'm such a weakling now. I used to be so much stronger than this, not nearly as pathetic and worthless. And now I have nothing to boast except how extraordinarily useless I am.

A realistic list of things that I want

• for my UC not to act up every time I'm stressed
• For some of my coworkers not to be asshats
• For real life situations to be easier to handle on a social level
• For my best friend to either have a relationship with me or stop this aggravating flirting
• for college to not suck total balls
• for my mother not to have unrealistic expectations of me
• for my relatives not to be homophobic assholes
• to not feel the urge to kill myself all of the time

a list of unrealistic things I want

• for my UC to be gone
• to not have to work at a job that pays horribly and makes me feel sick constantly
• for social things to always be easy
• for my best friend to totally want me and be all over me constantly
• for college to be easy
• for my mother to love me
• for my relatives to want me and accept me
• to be happy

Neither list looks really unrealistic but wow you have no idea how little of a chance I have for anything on either of these lists to happen

I can't do it

I'm not going to eat unless someone forces me to, and that's really sad. I really want to eat. I'm kind of hungry. But I can't unless someone makes me do it. And it's really annoying. I want to eat. Why can't someone just do the thing.

WHY!?

WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST FUCKING SAY YOU WANTED ME THERE? WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST SAY THE RIGHT THING FOR ONCE? NOW I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF AND YOU WON'T EVEN KNOW YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED IT. I HATE ALL OF YOU. EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. WHY COULDN'T SOMEONE JUST HUMOR ME FOR ONCE? LET ME WHAT I WANT TO DO? IS IT SO FUCKING HARD? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO AND BREAK ME AGAIN, AND AGAIN AND AGAIN? I'M A PERSON TOO. I HATE ALL OF YOU SO GODDAMN MUCH.

I'm just going to disappear

I'm just going to work and never talk to any of my friends. It's better that way.

I need a translator

Can anyone translate straight girl talk and tell me what "I love you so damn much it hurts' because hot damn, to me if you love someone so much it hurts it means there should be a little more smoochin' and a little less gigglin'.
I'm just gonna roll into a ball of excited teenager, okay? My head might hurt, and my stomach might be hungry, but gosh darn, if my spirits aren't soaring high. Can I please just have her? Can she be mine to have? I don't want to taint her, I just want to hold her, and know she's mine, that I can call her my own. Because I won't cage that beauty, but I sure would like to embrace it.

Shit, I'm not sure I can do it

Tonight, I wrote it.
I wrote the fanfic of my life, and the truth of it is that it ended exactly how it should have ended. Not with a happy ending, not with a kiss, not with some fantasy relationship. No. It ended with tears, and me driving home alone and broken. And now I can't go to sleep and think about how it'd be to have her lips on mine, or her body pressed against the front of me. No. All I can think about is the road away from her house, and how I always feel lost as I leave. And I realize it's because once I leave, I have no idea where I'm going from there, but I'm not leaving home. I'm just leaving my heart behind.

You wanna read it? You don't wanna read it. But I'm gonna leave it here anyways.

--
I sit solitary on the floor. I'm glaring angrily at the TV, ignoring the presence behind me on the bed. Getting attached was stupid. What had I been thinking when I let myself fall in love? Apparently, I've sighed one too many times.
"What's wrong? Just tell me already." The sullen question makes me want to talk less.
"Nothing. Nothing's wrong." I say, grinding my teeth together. I'm stubborn, and I won't let her get to me any more. I don't know why I came. This was a stupid idea. There isn't any way to patch up this friendship, not anymore. I'm being replaced, and I know I'm being less than graceful about the transition.
"Fine, if you want to be that way." I can here the bite in her voice. I watch her legs swing out next to me, and she gets up and leaves the room. I hear the bathroom door slam, and the stereo turn up. Peering around the corner, I make sure the door really is shut. Confident now that I'm left to myself, I crawl in bed. I wrap the patterned quilts around my body, and secretly let myself inhale her scent of of her pillow. I wrap myself around it, and close my eyes.
"Oh, if only how you knew how I wanted to be." I whisper into the fabric, and hear the music in the bathoom turn up even louder. That's how she wants it to be. She wants to tune out all the problems, and I can't blame her. I haven't exactly been easy to deal with. But how easy is it to deal with your slowly crumbling heart? The truth of the matter is that it isn't easy. It hurts. It hurts almost as much as thinking about how she's probably texting someone in that bathroom, complaining about her life, how she's not clinging to the scent of her on her pillow like I am. Because I've always been the attached one, and she's just been here for the free stuff.
It's been a half an hour now and she's still in that bathroom, even though the music is quieter now. I can't sit here any longer. I slide out of bed too, and walk out of the room. My sandals are on my feet and I'm out the door before her dog even has time to move to stare at me blankly. I'd stare at me too, if I were him. My eyes are probably red, and I'm wearing pjs, but I don't really care. Or so I tell myself as I make my way across the dewy grass to her swing. The moon's out tonight, and it's really pretty, even if the air's kind of cold for a summer night. This swing is actually really close to the ground, and I've never been able to figure out how she swings on it, when her legs are so much longer than mine. Wow, I've really zoned out, I've been sitting here on this cold plastic swing for so long, the stars and moon are moving across the sky. And that's when I realize. I'm all alone. It's not like some fantasy of mine, where she comes out into the moonlight and apologizes. Where she tells me she's secretly loved me the entire time, and our future starts under these stars. No.
"Well. Isn't this how it always is. Isn't it how it's always been." I laugh to myself bitterly, and suddenly, it's the funniest thing in the world. I'm laughing so hard I can't catch my breath, and at some point, there are tears running down my cheeks. I'm not really sure when the laughter turned to sobs, but it must have at some point, because my face is in my hands and the tears won't stop either. It's not fair I keep thinking to myself, and I'm right. It isn't fair. But when has life ever been fair? When has life ever treated me the way I've wanted it to? Never. And that's the straight truth. So with that resolve settling into my mind, I wipe the tears off my face and snuffle the snot back up into my nose, secretly hoping she can't see me. I know her window is open, and so are the windows in the living room. She can probably hear me, if she ever left her own little bathroom prison. It's been moments like these, where I've sat by myself, alone and sad, that the one song I spent so long driving one friend away with always comes to mind. I was never sure if it was a love song, but it was my love song.
"I love you-- my tears won't stop, and so I wish, that I had never met you."
Sure, the lyrics might not be in english, but you can tell they sure aren't happy. And it's times like these that I don't need a happy song. I keep singing the melody as I finally gather myself enough to head inside. She isn't sitting hidden behind my car. She isn't sitting on the porch. She isn't even on the sofa, or back in bed. She's still in that bathroom, and nagging at the back of my head is this intense worry she's sick, or hurting herself. But I know it's time for me to stop caring. And so I grab a pillow, and a blanket, and I take them back to the sofa to fall asleep for the night.
The light is coming in through the front window, and her dog is curled up at my feet. It's early in the morning, or at least for my clock it is. I rub the sleep from my eyes, and look to the bathroom. The door is open, so at some point, she must have left it. I get up, use the toilet, and creep into her room silently. She's fast asleep in bed, as if I had never been there. And as long as she continues to sleep, it might as well be as if I never had been. I gather up my clothes, and leave her sleep clothing on the floor. I look back at her sleeping figure, and I make one last bad decision--I walk across the room and plant a kiss on her head. I'm not gonna stay around to see if she'll wake up, though. I get out of there, shutting each and every door behind me. I get to my car door, and I can see her stirring through her curtain slightly. I can't look anymore. I get in my car, shut the door, and back out. I won't look back. I won't look back, please, give me the strength not to look back.
Shit. I'm not strong enough. I look back at the house, to see her silhouette in the living room window. And then I'm gone, pulling out onto the road and speeding away, tears silently streaming down my face.
It's not until I'm miles away, stopped at a stop light, that I delete her number from my phone. I'm closing all the doors behind me.

Cheezus Crust

I'm a mixed jumble of emotions. I got a job today. Plus? Maybe. It does mean money, and keeping my car. Minus? It's a cashier job that keeps giving me shite hours.
I also got to see her today. I got to see her last night too, but she wasn't as lovey today as she was last night. Plus? I got to see her. Minus? It's giving me conflicting emotions.
Now I'm this confusing combination of still slightly happy with a little bit irked, and I'm really unused to it. It may be the most unusual combo of things I have ever felt at one time.
Okay, I guess my emotions settled a little more and now I'm more of a mildly disappointed and resigned feeling. Better. I don't enjoy having my emotions rollercoaster. I'd rather be mad at the world than happy, because happiness never lasts.

And I've lost the battle again

I guess it never really was mine to win, right? Her freedom was always a double edged sword. Easier for me, easier for everyone else. I'm stupid for thinking anything else. I guess it's back to thanking my lucky stars I even held her attention for so long. Because it's probably the beginning of the end countdown again, just you wait and see.

Ah crap gosh darn it

I'm doing the thing, the thing where I hit on her without trying because gosh darn gee willickers she makes my kokoro go doki doki. And not in a 'I wanna touch her hot damn that chick is sexy' kind of way, more like a 'Oh gosh golly her smile makes my knees weak can we cuddle and have sleepy spooning times now' kind of way.
I'm gonna make her Sherlock wallpaper shoes, when I have the money. I really hope she likes them.
Look at me, getting all giddy and shit. It's kind of ridiculous, seeing as just a few hours ago I was contemplating killing myself for making her cry. I'm such a slimeball. A worthless piece of shit. But maybe if I can squeeze out some good things before I kill myself, she'll forgive me for hurting her.
On another note, I really think I am asexual. The fact that I've never actively wanted to have sex, I've merely been curious about it, and the fact that I'm not able to touch myself kind of cement that thought into place. I honestly don't want to be asexual though. I'm terrified of what that means. It probably means I'll live alone with my sixty cats, if I ever make it that far.
You know what I want the future to look like? I want the future to be her coming home to our house or apartment, and laying down on the sofa, kicking off her shoes. I'll have gotten home a little earlier, and I'll come out and rub her shoulders and back, rub her neck, and listen to what went wrong that day. We'll eat a little dinner, if I feel like cooking, and then she'll go shower while I wait for her to get out. She'll come out, wearing her pjs, towel on her head, and I'll come stand on my tippy toes to smooch her nose, and take the towel off of her hair. I'll smooch her forehead and nuzzle her nose, and hug her super tight. She'll smile at me, and tell me to go take my shower. I'll turn and smile and head for the shower, clothes in hand, and she'll smack my butt. Once I'm done, and she's blow dried her hair, we'll either snuggle on the couch watching some tv show, or go curl up in bed and maybe read or something. And then we'll mutually look at each other, put down whatever we're doing, turn off the bedside lamp, and curl up to sleep. My nose pressed into her spine, my hand resting on her thigh as our breathing forms a sort of rhythm, and we fall asleep.

Amusing

I find it so amusing now that I've thrown it back in my mother's face that I'm getting a job, she's giving me all these alternatives to jobs. Because I've put it in her face that I don't care about her shitty little waste of time 'vacation' that she wants to go on. She doesn't grasp the concept of it's not a vacation for me unless I don't have to see her face or deal with her drama. My kinds of vacations are the ones that don't have her involved. And if she's gonna get all pissy because I don't wanna play her game anymore, well, she can suck it up. She told me I could either drive my car or not have a job. I chose getting a job and keeping my car, and if she's regretting giving me that choice, that's her own damn fault. If I don't get to go on vacations with friends because of her, I'm sure as hell not going to take off time to spend a week in her presence when I could be getting paid to not have to see her ugly little rat face. Seriously. That's what a job is to me. Getting paid not to be home dealing with her bullshit. Because man oh man, am I sick and tired of her. I cannot wait until I never have to see her face again or deal with her little drama series that she constantly creates within her own life. The next two years cannot pass fast enough.

Why do I even effort?

Like, I've spent so much time making it easier for her to pack, and she's fucking putting it off to the last minute. Like. Seriously. If you know where something is, GO FUCKING GRAB IT. It's not that bloody hard. Got laundry that you need? Bring it with you. Put it in a fucking bag. Toiletries? Pack them, and then take them out and use them when you need to in the morning. Cosplay things I fucking know where they are? Why the hell can't you pack them already, you worthless little shit. I made you a list. You made your own goddamn list. It isn't this fucking hard to pack your fucking bag, and you know what still isn't fucking done? Your. Bag. Because you're probably talking to whoever you won't get to talk to for hours on end at night on your dumbass tinychats or whatever, and you're probably playing animal crossing or who the hell knows, all I know is you aren't getting shit done, and it would have taken me a half an hour, maybe forty-five minutes to do all of this. But no. No, nothing can ever be expected to be done if you're doing it. God forbid you actually work on something important. So sorry that I'm not gonna pity you when you're freaking out at the last minute about packing because guess what. I told you to start packing yesterday. My sympathy? Gone.

Can't let them find out

Can't tell anyone, can't let anyone know, can't let on bad. Can't let them know was bad, can't let them know am not right. Gonna hurt self if bad already hurt self can't let on.
Don't wanna make people know don't wanna make people leave gotta be good gotta not scare away gotta be good and if not good get punished because deserve punishment always deserve punishment, shouldn't be allowed to breath waste of space useless pathetic creature deserve to be dead so sick on the inside should be drowned like a deformed puppy gotta be normal gotta try can't let them know can't let anyone know can't  let anyone on gotta be normal but can't too sick too bad gotta hurt too bad can't fix gotta hurt until good again stupid flesh sack disobeying need to get it together can't keep doing this need to kill off or hide better can't keep doing this.

Bad mood bad mood bad mood

Minecraft server: Failure.
Pissed off at: Everyone.
Sick and tired of: Pretty much everyone.
Ready to: Ignore pretty much everyone and go to bed.
Going to: Actually go to bed.
I'm worried about my mother and Roger, but I hope she can handle him.

I deserve it

I deserve to feel like shit because I am shit, and I don't deserve to have friends. I'm so dirty and filthy and disgusting and I deserve to rot in some hole because all I'm doing is dragging everyone down with me and it's so goddamn selfish of me and I hate it.
I don't want her to go down state. I'm going to miss her so much, and I won't be able to talk to her as much, since she doesn't have her phone any more and I can't make sure she feels okay or check on her or do anything like that and I'm so worried about her and I don't want her to be so far away it hurts I can't stop crying she hasn't been far away before since her phone was gone and she hasn't been gone for so long and I didn't get to see her before she's gonna leave. I don't want her to go but it's so selfish and I'm such a pathetic little piece of shit and I hate myself for it I'm so sorry for existing but please don't leave me please.

Ashamed

I want to see a therapist, but I feel too disgusting and pathetic to ask.
I mean, I know I'm a waste of money and oxygen and gas money and such, I already feel bad enough about driving my car and not having a job, but half of my problem is I won't go out and get a job because I know something is wrong with me and I don't function well in a public setting. Heck, I have this constant feeling of fear and anxiety everywhere I go, no matter what I'm doing. I can't connect with people, I either feel too young and insignificant around them, or too old or mature to connect with them. Most days my emotions fly from one extreme to another, and I've thought about killing myself for over six years now. I have cut, and I can say that every time I look at myself and know I've sunk that low over points in my life makes me want to rid the earth of myself just on principle. I am a disgusting bag of flesh, and as much as people have tried to change my perspective over the years, the fact remains the same. I will never be happy with my body, my personality, or any aspect of myself. I am a thoroughly disgusting creature, and would enjoy almost nothing more than to kill myself so as to not be an inconvenience and a waste of resources. The only thing I'd like more than to be gone? To feel like and look like I actually have a purpose.
So many people have tried to tell me differently, to change my perspective, and make me see 'the light', and sure, it's a temporary patch, and sometimes I feel good about myself, but I always return to this spot. Because in the end, other people's opinions don't matter. Other people aren't here with me while I'm holding the razor, finding inconspicuous spots to punish myself for breathing. They aren't here to tell me I'm being selfish and horrible and I need to stop being an idiot. No, they're far away, trying to give me encouragement to feel better about myself. I don't want to feel better about myself. I want to know I'm trash, and I want to be punished for it, and only then can I get better. Because only once someone realizes how useless I am and makes me pay for it, will I truly be able to improve. Because it's just not enough when I hurt myself.

I don't know if I should laugh?

Because she's pissed off at someone and it's not me but I almost feel kind of bad for this person? Because they didn't know the pattern. They were an online person so they didn't know the rule and the rule is unless you're an online boy, you get left behind. Honestly, unless you're a boy or able to pay your way in constantly, everyone gets left behind. And I really have no reason to feel bitter, today has been a pretty okay day, but this just makes me laugh like a bitter old man. It sucks to be you, anonymous user. You got kicked in the ass and I find it so damn funny because I thought you'd replace me but you didn't. I outlived you. At least for now.

Serial Liar

How is it that I've gotten to the point where I lie to almost everyone just so that they don't think I'm an asshole? Yeah. I lie to people so they don't hate me. Because honestly, I couldn't care less for them. There are only very few people I don't lie to because I actually like them and care about them. But the rest of the humans? I couldn't give a rat's ass about them. So I lie. I say things like 'I like you the way you are' when I'm really thinking 'Yes, you are and annoying, needy person and I'd rather be rid of you but I can't tell you that' or 'I don't find you annoying' when in reality I feel relieved when I don't get a text all day.
People who don't matter, just shoo, go away. I don't matter to you, so don't make be bother with your problems either.

What am I?

I face this question all too often. Who am I this week? Who should I be, for who? What person do I need to be for the people in my life? Who do I have to keep happy?
I hate that. I can't just be me. I'm not really sure who me is, but I know that me isn't the person I am now. I know me is the person who hates freely, likes solitude sometimes but then a warm pile of pillows and a back rub at others. I know me likes food. I know me likes shorter hair, but dreams of long, silky hair that trails down to my knees.
Me is a person I don't think I'll ever be, if life has its way. Life says I have to be committed to relationships, but that's so tiresome. I'm sick of all the needy bores who want me to be theirs, and solely theirs. That's not who I am. I want to be with people, but I don't want to be tied down. And I realize that's not a mature view for me to have, but it's true. Maybe it's just because I haven't had a fulfilling relationship. Or I'm with the wrong people. But I'm tired of the needy girlfriends and the immature friends, the people who can't take care of themselves. Why do I have to be the one to do that? I've taken care of myself for eighteen years, and I've taken care of others for only a few less than that. It's reasonable for me to be tired of it. And I enjoy it sometimes, when it isn't an all consuming stresser that takes up my life.
I like it when people take care of me, and I don't have to force them into doing it. That's what I enjoy. I enjoy waking up in the morning and making something to eat for the person I love.
I don't know if I enjoy sex. So far, it hasn't really appealed to me. In fantasies, sometimes. But in real life situations, I just feel cold. And I don't know if that applies to any fetishes I may or may not have as well, but in real life situations I gain no pleasure whatsoever. Kissing to me, feels gross. Only once or twice has it felt anything other than disgusting, and even then the sensation wasn't pleasurable. And I hate that. Why does it have to be so gross? I just want to kiss the people I love. Why does kissing have to be sexual? I like kissing my younger friends, who I call my kids. We've kissed on the mouth before. I didn't find it sexual at all. In fact, besides being worried about the implications, I found it nice. I just want to kiss people when I'm happy so they understand. I don't want things going in me or people touching me weird, it just doesn't appeal to me, and never really has.
I just want to get rid of my sexual relationships. I want to get rid of all the people in my life who ever think they're ever going to get something from me sexually ever. Because no. I don't want the needy people. I don't want the people who see me as a sexual object. I don't want the people who think I'm a cute little toy to play with, or some bad girl with a history in dominance. Because I'm none of those things. I'm a grumpy little genderqueer thing that enjoys taking naps, eating crappy pot pies, snuggling with stuffed animals and swearing like a sailor during scary movies. I like swimming sometimes, even though I hate the hair on my body. I like reading books on sunny mornings. I like falling asleep with someone's arm around my waist. I enjoy looking pretty, and I enjoy looking punk. I love it when people compliment me, even though I'll never let on. I love knowing I'm important to the people I care about. I love the smells of things, and I love being comfortable in someone's home. I love the feel of someone's skin. I love being useful. I love being safe.
Can someone find me? And tell me it's okay to be me? Because I'm tired of everyone making me be someone else.

I'm fucking tired of this shit, why now

I say, but of course this was going to happen. It's two am, we check out in less than nine hours, and you know where everyone else is? At a rave they said they'd come back from an hour ago. Or who the hell knows. They left the phone here. And they still need to shower. So when they get no fucking sleep and all they do is bitch and whine, I'm done. Done, done, done, done, done. I never want to go to conventions again. This is it. Not even going to finish this year. I am just done with these people.

I feel so great!

She's having a miserable day, and I couldn't give a fuck! I take my drivers test today, everything is Misha, and it's fabulous.
Suck on my Mishaken, bitches.

Oh, honey

You wouldn't know if I was pissed or not. You never really do. You think you know me? You don't. So please, tell me who you think I am and what I'm feeling and I'll just play along. Because it's so sad that you can't even really know a person who does everything for you. I actually feel sorry for you.

It's nice to not need this

Sometimes, it's nice to not need to blog out my emotions. But then the time comes where I can't vent silently anymore because I get too tired of people's shit, and their pity parties and their cries for attention. Someday, I'd like to go back to the days when I was the leader, not the slave. When I could say something and it wouldn't be overshadowed by what everyone else was saying instead. When I started something and people would follow. Instead of being forced to be the follower. Forced to sit in the shadows. Forced to do everything for everyone. Because it sucks ass and I'm tired of it. And as much as I say I'm tired of it, it doesn't make a difference. No one cares. Because no one listens unless it benefits them. So go back to reading all your popular friend's posts about their pathetic lives, and realize, you feel the same way. Because their lives apparently mean so much more than yours, just because there are more people to listen.

Well fuck them, I say. Fuck them with a candlestick. Because we're worth something, even if everyone takes advantage of us and treats us like shit. If we weren't here, the world wouldn't go around. And they don't realize it. Wouldn't it be nice to see how badly they'd crash and burn if we weren't around?
But then comes the fear. They probably wouldn't notice we were gone at all. They'd just get someone else to do all the work, make someone else their bitch, their slave, their little toy. And then we'd be obsolete. If only everyone would realize what leeches these kinds of people were. If only we could all just say, "Nope, not today, do it yourself if you need it." Or make them realize it's not just a charity center. That they have to give to get. That they can't just get what they want for free, just because they asked for it. They need to learn their lesson. Everyone does.

Why do I bother?

I'm not good at anything. The things I do don't matter.
I'm not popular. I'm never going to have a billion friends.
I'm not pretty. No one's ever going to look at me and say "Wow, you should model."
I'm not social enough. Even bothering to talk to two people continuously on the internet is a stretch.

But you know what? I'm also not an attention seeking whore who posts about every fucking little thing she does because I need to feel loved and praised and paid attention to at every waking moment. Because you know what? No one cares about my life. I realize this. But it's about damn time half the internet did because honestly I'm sick of reading about their lives. Not to say I can't be sympathetic about their problems, or want to help them in their times of need, but their everyday life posts about fucking face wash and boo hoo how they're going to be so pretty now that they've got a solution pisses me off. Like, seriously. If you're popular enough for people to actually care about that kind of shit you need to shut the fuck up because you are light years ahead of me and I've got pretty damn good skin. So please. Take your mini praise/pity party to your own diary and stop trying to get attention because I'm pretty damn sick of it.

I want to talk to someone responsible

Talking to my friends and my girlfriend is pointless. Talking to anyone my age is pointless. The only thing I see in people around me is their uselessness and their inability to take care of themselves. I don't rely on anyone around me because I don't trust them to get anything done.
I just feel so disgusting today. My body feels gross, my head feels weird, and I'm in such a funk that I can't do anything. Nothing I do makes me feel better. I can't even bring myself to care that I'm going to fail my latin class. Or that I'm pushing everyone away again. I don't really care. If I bring myself down to it, I find people really annoying. All they're doing is vying for attention and it pisses me off. Who cares about their problems? So what. No one cares about anything that doesn't benefit them in some way. I'm so sick of people. Why should I have to play this game around all these useless people and do all this meaningless shit just because they can't get their act together? It makes my life so much more difficult. It's not my fault they're so bad at this. So why should their actions reflect on my quality of life? I mean, honestly. Like this latin class for one. The teacher didn't even make it coherent. So of course I'm going to fail. With the added pressures of life and the fact that I just don't care enough to pass it, it's just not going to happen. Is it going to reflect on my gpa? Probably. I don't really care. I don't see myself anywhere in ten years, let alone five, let alone one.
I just realized. Hey guys, I made it. I made it to eighteen. And guess what? My life is no different than it was. If killing myself wasn't such an effort I'd do it.

Fuck off, fuck off, FUCK OFF!

I don't have time for your mellow dramatic bullshit.

Push them away before they hurt me?

Yes, I realize a bunch of Sherlockians must find this blog looking for sherlock stuff, and think I'm a hipster who has no idea what this title means.
I am unfortunately in the fandom too. Unfortunately.

I know it's a bad idea to push away my friends. But they're just going to hurt me. So I'm pushing them away so once they get rid of me, it'll hurt less, because I was already used to them being gone.
But I feel like that's a bad idea. I haven't even really talked to my girlfriend today, though she hasn't really attempted to talk back tonight. And I've given up on my best friend honestly, because she's got a new group of friends.
And I really want to go to MetroCon this summer, but she'll be going as well and it'll just suck if I have to go with her. I really want to go as Vriska or Feferi for Metro. But. Her. And I want to wear my Leafeon cosplay again there as well, because it'll be lightweight and not so hot to wear. Because Florida, mid summer. We're gonna be melting our balls off. I hope body paint is sweat proof once you put on the sealer.
Welp, I guess my semi-angsty rant is over because Homestuck kind of cheered me up. How weird.

Humans are boring

They're all boring, they stay up late, they sleep forever, pathetic.

I love this music

Falling in Reverse describes my life. Friends who betray you, who needs friends, who needs 'em? Who needs to care about any other fucking person in the universe, because they don't care about you. No one cares about anyone but themselves, and if they say differently they're lying. Because I tried caring about others, and all it ever did was make me want to kill myself. I don't ever want to fucking care again. People are useless.
What's the point of friends, I hate 'em. Friends only like me when I do shit for them. Friends only like me when I'm happy. For all I care, friends can go fall right off their high and mighty horses and into a dagger pit.
You've all left my heart black and blue, so while you're at it, why don't you just go slit your wrists for me? Not enough to kill yourselves, no, I want that pleasure. I want to hurt all of you, hurt you like you hurt me, play on all of your insecurities, make it hurt, make you quiver, make you cry, make you willing to change, to do anything, just to make the pain stop. And when you think I'm going to relent, that I'm going to cut you, inch by inch, until you're screaming my name. Yeah. Because why should I care anymore if you think I'm a sick fuck? You're the ones who made me this way.

Dude, grow a pair

Seriously. You live in a cold climate. If you want to be warmer, move somewhere else. Stop fucking complaining about it being cold. That happens when there's snow on the ground. Either stop being a pussy, or shut the fuck up. It's annoying. Don't state the obvious. Living in a northern climate tends to be cold. If you're gonna be a wimp and complain about it, you can go fall in a ditch, or move. Kaythank.

Can't make a difference

I can't change anything, can I? I'm just waiting for everything to explode.
Nothing's ever going to work out.
I can't change anything.
I can't fix anything.
Why do I even bother?
Why do I even make these attachments?
If I only cared about myself, I wouldn't get hurt like this.
I wish I didn't have friends.
I wish I didn't care about anyone.
I wish I didn't love anyone.
I wish I wasn't responsible for people.
I wish I could just go away.

Minty Explosion

My mouth tasted like a minty explosion, and then I remembered.
This was the taste I wanted my lover's tongue to taste as they explored the recesses of my mouth, this essence of mint, this lingering, pleasant flavor that so inherently said that this was the reason they were here, because in that tasting, in that moment of sensing, they realized that there was so much more to loving me than my appearance, or what I could do for them. That underneath it all, there were the very little quirks and oddities that so wholeheartedly said me, it was as if they had been screamed off a rooftop instead of discovered with a kiss.

Dear higher being or whoever,

Could I put in a request?
I know I usually do these mentally, but you don't really seem to hear me when I do.
Even if I continue to feel like poop, could you let my best friend not feel sick, please? I know it's selfish of me, to ask things, but I'll take the pain if that makes it any better. Because it has to get displaced somewhere, correct? So here I am. Offering to take the pain. Completely willing to suffer. You can even add in some extra suffering, if that's what it takes. Just let her feel better, please and thank you.

Danger, WIll Robinson!

Help, help, I think I'm falling in love.

Wow that's horrible

Wow something horrible happened but I can't stop laughing because I find it so damn funny. Like. You know when you should feel bad because shitty stuff is happening to someone and you're forced to feel bad for them because that's your job? Yeah, well I'm so tired of the giving a crap thing that I just moved straight from giving a fuck to laughing. Like. Wow. It feels really good. It's like the universe is dishing out shit on all the people who make me feel like shit constantly, all those people who boo hoo and moan about everything, when I just sit over here and suck it up and attempt not to give away how tired I am, and it feels so right to see it happening. At the same time I can see that they're just going to sulk and have pity parties all over again and I'm not looking forward to that. Like seriously. Grow the fuck up. I'm tired of everyone's skin being so flimsy. Everyone has problems. Mine have already been paraded around on display, and I've already had each and every single one of them used against me and I'm beyond the point where doing anything about them has gotten me anywhere. Caring is not an advantage, I figured that out a while ago. And living is not an advantage either. I'm becoming a waste of resources, and less and less likely to put out anything useful. Soon I will most likely off myself. Living for other people is exhausting. The only reasons people ever give me when I want to kill myself is for other people. Other people will miss me. I have reasons to keep on living because I can still have a life, blah blah blah. You do all realize that those are just reasons to keep on living for other people? I'm bored of life. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of it. I don't want any more of it, the almost eighteen years I've had of it haven't convinced me there's anything special about it. It's just an endless treadmill where everyone's stuck doing the same fucking things, and the only difference is it makes some people happy and some people miserable. And living a miserable life isn't worth bothering with. And people say it'll get better. Sure, it'll get better for a short amount of time maybe a day or two here and there, but what they don't realize is my life isn't punctuated by misery and sadness, it's sadness coated in misery coated in self loathing, coated in boredom, with a slice of tragedy on the side. There have been happy moments, but they're far and few enough between that they don't make up for the bad bits.
I can think back these past few years to some of the happy memories I've got. And then I can think of all the times I've wanted to kill myself over the past three years and say everything else didn't make up for how I've felt. Sure, people care about me. But to what ends? They care about me because I do things for them. And they can't truthfully say they don't, because all I ever do is do things for them. So they've got no other me to base their perceptions on, except for the few times I throw a little temper tantrum and get so fed up of all their crap. But they wouldn't stick around if I wasn't the person I was, the person who puts aside her own personal life to make sure everyone else gets what they want. And I hate that. If I was a different person, no one would say they need me. Because no one would. I'd be another useless person floating in the world. The only reason people care about me is because I make myself needed. I make myself a tool to be used. And if I don't want to be a tool? Well no one gives a rats ass about what I want, unless it corresponds with their interests. And you're lying if you say differently. So. 

I hate caring about people

Why the fuck do I even bother caring about people when they don't care about themselves? I just make myself so mad. I'm so sick of this. I'm so sick of people. I shouldn't try trusting anyone. I wish I could just leave people be and focus on myself. But I can never do that. I gave up that decision a lot time ago when I decided I wanted to have friends and wanted to be special to people. Because people aren't gonna give a shit about me if I don't do everything for them or jump through hoops. And it's exhausting. I wish I could just do what I wanted and get what I wanted and do things for myself. But I guess this is inadvertently for myself. So I should stop complaining.
I just wish they'd fucking sleep.