I miss you so goddamn much

It's been hard, these past three days. I know I'm having a colitis flare up, and now I'm starting to get worried. And it doesn't help that I'm stuck in a constant toss up of missing you, worrying about you, or wanting to talk to you.

Am I screwed?

I've always loved beautiful women, that's true enough. I guess I just never realized how fucked I was, to /always/ fall for the beautiful, straight ones. Or to get tricked by the not so straight ones. I love women, but they never love me back.
But until today, I never realized how the people I've loved have grown up. How much I miss them. Maybe it's just the side effect of not being able to talk to my best friend for the first time in one year, two months and fourteen days. Maybe that's it. But that doesn't change the fact that anyone I've ever really loved is so absolutely gorgeous, and I'm just...me. No one's ever told me I'm beautiful. And it doesn't really hurt, because I know I'm not pretty, I'm clownish and short and pudgy and sometimes cute, but not beautiful. But...I wish I could be. I wish I was the person someone looked back at after all the years and went 'Damn, why did I let that one go?'. I know it's unfair. I know there are still people who'd wish to get back together with me, and it's cruel of me to say this, but I just can't do it. Maybe after all this time I'll just have to say I'm asexual. Does that terrify me? Hell yeah it does. Who'd want to put up with someone they can't get any sexual gratification out of for years and years, who'd want to spend forever with me if I can't give them everything they want? No one. Because everyone wants to live a life with their other half, their better side, whoever that may be, and I'm that to no one. Because as much as I want to be able to do all those things people are doing in relationships, it just makes my stomach curdle.
Ever since an incident recently where I let one of my friends touch me, and in a very odd moment, even turn me on, I knew it was so wrong. And it had nothing to do with sexual preference or preferences at all. Underneath that sort of haze of feel good, it felt so wrong. Now I'm terrified to let people touch me. I'm terrified that the next person who tries to hug me, I'll flinch. The next person who touches my neck or shoulders or back won't get a friend but a monster, the one who'll fight tooth and nail not to be touched again, rest assured. And I don't want these problems. I don't need this right now. I'm supposed to be getting my shit together. This is my last year. I need to hold it together, and focus on the bigger things in life. What do I want to do. What jobs will earn be a better living. What can I excel in, to get by with. Because I know living out my passion is a fool's dream, a child's dream. So I can go to school, do what everyone else does, find my niche in the world where I crank out a salary and live alone, because that's what'll happen to me. Living out my dream as a writer, my dream in the film industry, is pathetic. I know nothing. There's a million people out there, better than me, who'll always be better than me, and I'm not going to be able to live off this job. It's ridiculous. I wish someone would just tell me that.

Angry little wort

Wow, I never thought I'd see the day I described myself as an angry facial blemish, but there you go, kids. That's what you get. A bad day combined with an irritated me equals me being a sarcastic and condescending asshole, but that's to be expected. I hate myself, but I'll gladly dish it out on anyone else who decides to piss me off. Which is horrible, and I know I shouldn't do it, but sometimes it's so fun to not just hate myself. 

Went Overboard

I kind of hate myself because I went overboard this Christmas getting shit for someone who currently won't even talk to me.
Well, I guess I can at least keep some of it for myself, and save the other stuff for another friend in the future. This was disappointing. The entirety of today has just been disappointing.

I wish she'd go to sleep

Can I make like my Christmas wish early? I wish she'd go to sleep at some less godforsaken hour, if only for the selfish reason that I'm so tired of worrying about her fucking up her immune system because she refuses to go to bed before 5 am or something stupid.
Maybe there's a reason behind it. I probably have no place in saying she should go to bed. She's an adult. She can do whatever the hell she wants. It's not my place to chastise her. It's not my place to say anything at all.
Which is why I'm saying it here, obviously, and not somewhere else or to her face. Because while I'll worry and fret and get no sleep over it, who am I to tell her to go to bed? She won't listen to me. No one listens to me. Which is why I'm so tired of caring about them. Caring is not an advantage.

People only like you for what you do for them

I don't get how shaking this glitter jar is going to make me any less worthless.
I mean, it's not like each and every little glitter is telling me to stay alive. I know I have to. But I'm just so tired of thinking I'm important and then being second best. Or not best at all.
I just want to cry. To turn off the lights, sit in the closet, and cry. It's pathetic, and weak, but I guess that's what I am now.
I just want someone to pick me up by the scruff of my neck, and tell me what to do. I'm tired of thinking. I just want to turn off my brain. Don't want to be here anymore. Just want to be empty, doing the living thing, not caring, just going through the motions. If I have to keep living, can life just go super fast? Can I get this over with?
Because I'm so tired.
And I'm fucking tired of having to have to be used, just for people to talk to me. Why can't I be worth talking to, and liking, and caring about, and loving, and just...why?
I wish I could talk about my problems. But I can't. Because these are all just stupid thoughts in my head, it's nothing that I should bother anyone else with, it's not even as if they'd understand.
I hate life.
I hate life.
I hate life.
Kill me.

I'm so very, very angry

I'm in a terrible mood. I don't want to do my homework. I don't want to bike miles in the cold, just because my mother won't let me get my damn license. I don't want to make this stupid ass game board just because my french teacher doesn't want to teach us. I just want to eat. And do things I want.
She was so fucking happy to get rid of me too. So fucking ready to say goodbye to me today, and not have to talk to me for hours upon hours. Some days, I wish she wouldn't talk to me at all. It's not like I can do anything. And I can't help that I get so angry over every little thing she does. What's the point in complaining about it continuously to me, if you won't take my advice?
Ugh. I guess I should have probably eaten. I don't want to go to this governmental meeting. I want to take a nap and slit my wrists and eat. But at the same time, I want to starve myself, sleep through the meeting, and completely piss everyone off. That's my self-destructive side, I can feel it. I want to hurt myself. I want there to be consequences for me living. I want to kill myself, I'm so angry. I hate this person I'm inside. I hate this pathetic piece of trash I have to keep being all the time. Why am I stuck with this useless piece of flesh to live in? I don't need to be hungry, I'm fine. And why am I stuck in this short, pathetic, ugly girl? She's worthless. She'll never do anything with her life, and she's bound to die. I've tried to kill her so many times. I wish she'd just die, so I can either go on to be what I really want to be or just stop having to live here.
And now I'm tired and cold. I think I'll fall asleep, if just for a little while. I'm useless here. I want to kill her.

Spooky fingers

Oho hooooo, look at this super anonymous blog.
No one will ever wind me. I'm the fucking wind.
So I'm gonna rant right here. But I'm not. Because I just need to get over it.
But then I couldn't help myself and I let a little rant out. Oh. So you're going to stay up all night. I knew it. But I don't care anymore.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I really don't care.
I should stop caring now.
Done caring.
Good.
End rant.