I don't even understand

It's been so long since I posted here. It's been so long since I really did anything.

Depression has been such an integral part of my life for so long that I don't know who I am without it. I've grown up, having my dreams stripped away at the age of twelve. What did I want to be when I grew up? Dead.
When everyone talked about their passions and hopes for the future, I had to fake it, make up some bullshit excuses, hope no one saw through my lies (congrats past me, they never did) and just keep moving forward.
People in high school made friends. Most of them thought they would be friends forever. Nothing ever lasts forever, especially not high school friends. I wanted people to see me, the real me, but who was I? I didn't want to be my depression, but I couldn't exist outside of it.
School ended, and new adventures came along. I had long given up any dreams of greatness, dreams of happiness, or hopes for the future. By now I just needed to survive. My depression was always there, under the surface, reminding me I hadn't stayed true to myself. I had lived past my self-assigned expiration date, and I was ashamed.
College came along and I made new friends. Experienced new things. Stepped out in new areas for myself, trying to discover things I liked, new relationships and new boundaries. My depression never left, it just became the backdrop for my personality.
Then I withdrew. A "friend" sexually assaulted me, but it didn't feel like a big deal. I moved in with people I trusted. That trust was misplaced. Each and every day, my depression grew stronger. It loomed behind me, angry fists beating me at every decision I made, separating me from those who could help me, trapping me in my own prison. I dreamed about killing myself, but never followed through.
Summer came and went. It was a bad time. I ended most of my friendships, but still tried to make amends with a few. The same friend who had assaulted me the summer before talked me into having sex with him. We almost went through with it, and we did go too far for my personal comfort. It wasn't something I wanted, but I didn't say no. I was disgusting.
As time passed, instead of my depression being a part of me, it became me. I was nothing, if not depressed. Even on the good days, when I could mask it, it was still there. It had never left, it had no where to go. A brief stint into medication did nothing. Talk therapy seemed like a joke, and only after a month or two of going, I put it aside.
People around me all seemed to struggle with their own problems, but received love and support. I could never afford to show weakness to the people in my life, because no one cared. And those who might have cared didn't understand that I didn't want their pity, their gentle support, their friendly touches. Support made me feel disgusted. I scorned pity. I recoiled from friendly touches. All of it made my stomach curdle, no matter how much I knew the reaction was wrong.
I didn't deserve kindness. I deserved to have my sickness beaten out of me. I deserved to be punished for all the time I had wasted, the resources squandered on me, the effort put towards salvaging something not even worth fixing.
I no longer enjoy the hobbies I used to distract myself with. I see no point in returning to college. I don't understand why I need to find another summer job. I just want to be left to rot, until I can leave this plane of existence and never return. I don't want an afterlife. I don't want rebirth. I want to stop existing, entirely, so that I never have to suffer again.
This is what living through nine years of depression looks like.

Con season yet again

And she replaces me, but she doesn't even do a good job. Congrats on being useless!

Wow! I love being ignored!

There's probably at least three posts on this damn blog titled almost identically, isn' it funny how time passes but nothing ever changes?
Then again, time is an illusion and humor is subjective, so maybe not. Or maybe I just seem to make and keep the shittiest friends and everything is my fault.
I am so tired of this.

Laugh laugh laugh

"We're going to give JAFAX a shot!" says two people with little to no artistic or sewing talent, who have no skills or expendable income supposedly, as they decide to run an artist alley booth.
I hope it tanks, I'm going to laugh.

What do you want now

I'm tired. Tired of all these people. Tired of being used over and over again just so people like me. I told everyone I wouldn't let them but here we are again. Used and abused all over again, without even the warmth or fun of feeling like it's worth anything. If I wanted this, I would have just stayed Sydney's friend.
I want it to stop, but I don't ever see that happening. I'm so tired all the time, and I can't keep any of this up, without burning myself out.

Uninvited

No one fucking invites you to the party,
because why would they?
You're just another transient piece of trash,
that they're putting their fake smiles on for,
and dropping as soon as you turn away.

You're nothing to them,
and you never will be anything else,
because who are you kidding?
you know they wouldn't give a rats ass about you,
if you weren't there with money,
or food,
or entertainment,
or transportation.

You are NOTHING,
and they know it better than most.
You can't put on makeup to disguise
how you are on the inside,
and why would it matter?
You can't hide how fucking ugly you are,
not even if you put on a trash bag,
and stood in total darkness.

The only difference between you,
and gum on the bottom of someone's shoe,
is that at one point, someone liked that gum,
and no one's ever liked you.

So cry yourself to sleep,
or do whatever worthless things like you do,
and just remember,
when they say they want to hang out with you,
that they want to do something on some weekday,
want to involve you,
they're just lying through their teeth,
because all they want is your car,
or your money,
or your help,
not you,
BECAUSE WHO WOULD EVER WANT YOU?

11/15/15

I wonder if it was ever like this

Was she ever sad she couldn't reciprocate my feelings? Was she ever sad that she knew I liked her, but that she couldn't share in that? Did she ever feel bad bringing them up in front of me, knowing it hurt? Probably not. We all know she isn't really human.
But for better or for worse, I am, and it's killing me. I wanted to have feelings again, and maybe I got them, but in the process I'm hurting people I care about too. I just. Can't be in a relationship with them. They seem to be getting things together, but I have no feelings for them, and I'm upset that I can't reciprocate their feelings. It isn't like before, when I could just fake it long enough until it was convincing. I don't want to hurt them even more, and I don't want to lie about the fact that I might finally have feelings for someone new, after not being able to have feelings for anyone but her. I'm hurting them, using them even though sometimes I don't realize it or want to, and I don't know how to stop, without cutting them off. Which I also don't want to do because I care about them but don't want to hurt them. This just fucking sucks. Why can't something go smoothly for once?